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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

DNL #4 - How to Start a Fight at the Knights of Columbus

(This is part of my five part Date Night Lessons series dedicated to our first date night in like, a really freaking long time).

For Previous Lessons, Refer to:
DNL#1 - How Much Do You Pay a Babysitter?
DNL#2 - How to Roll When Someone "Comps" You
DNL#3 - How to Ride in an Elevator

So, I told you in my last post that I was really bummed when we got to Mr. Crocker's party and nobody was dancing. This is SACRILEGE, I thought.

Nobody puts Mr. C in the corner.

Granted, he wasn't really in the corner. He was kind of hanging around, nursing a few drinks and chit-chatting with all the guests. But I could tell he was a little bummed about the music.

This is a picture of Mr. C at our wedding. (The lovely blonde cheering him on is Heather):

He really, really likes to dance. And he can jitterbug, foxtrot, salsa with the best of them.

So here is kind of what I was expecting to hear when we got to the party. This is my imaginary sample playlist of some of the stuff I might have played if anyone asked "DJ Masala" to handle the music at the party:

Cupid - Sam Cooke
Get Up - James Brown
Shake, Shake Shake Senora - Harry Belafonte
Runaround Sue - Not sure who sings this
Brown Eyed Girl
- Van Morrison
Crazy Love - Van Morrison
I Feel Good - James Brown
Come a Little Bit Closer - Jay and the Americans
Mambo Italiano - Rosemary Clooney
Anything by Frankie Vallie

That is just a rough sample.

(I also can be hired to do bar/bat Mitzvahs, weddings and Sweet 16s)


DJ Masala's playlist was NOT playing, however. One of the Mr. C's friends from church was helping out with the music and had set up some speakers that were being fed through his iPod. Now, I don't even know what was being played, but let me just tell you that it didn't make you want to dance.

So Heather and I got a little over eager to make sure that Mr. C would be provided the right kind of music to dance to on his birthday. This may have had something to do with the wine that we drank at dinner.

Jamie, it all comes back to you, doesn't it? This is all your fault.

"Do you have your iPod in the car?" Heather asked.
"Yes!" I said, all too eagerly. Except then I realized what was on it.

See, on my iPod, I have all the folksy, acoustic songs that I used to calm me down during the births of both of my children. That comprises the primary playlist. It is full of lovely songs that don't make you want to dance, per se, but rather, fall asleep. Or even push out a baby.

Which was not what we were going for at this party.

I didn't think anyone would appreciate my Joshua Radin, Damien Rice, Alexi Murdoch, Brandi Carlile, Tristan Prettyman, Schuyer Fisk mix (yes, I know, I know - all household names. But I LOVE them).

And then I thought of what else was on my playlist. These are the songs I listen to to get me "revved up" when I work out. They are hardcore and probably not appropriate for this party:

Killing in the Name - Rage Against the Machine
Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n Roses
Give it Away - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Gold Digger - Kanye West
Get Busy - Crystal Method

But then we looked through it and found some decent tunes - mainly James Brown and Sam Cooke and thought we could at least get a few songs where Mr. C could just throw down and show everybody his moves.

Because nobody puts Mr. C in the corner.

So we go over to change the iPod out. Heather and I were both convinced that Mr. C was as upset about the music choices as we were and felt it was our civic duty to help him. So we go over, pause the iPod and start changing it.

And some lady comes over and slaps us on our hand.

I kid you not. I mean, it didn't hurt. But she kind of looked at Heather and me and said, "You shouldn't touch somebody's machine."

Ok. I totally get it. Maybe we jumped the gun. But really, you had to go on and slap my hand. And who the he%$ calls an iPod a machine?

So, Heather and I try to be respectful, because it goes along with our over-tipping personalities. But then Mr. iPod Machine comes over, we explain that we just want to have a few songs where we can all dance with Mr. C and he tells us:

"This is a very complicated setup." (If complicated means connecting a wire, ok. I guess that COULD be complicated.) Then he says, "If Mr. C says he wants it changed, then I will do it. But not because of two girls." He almost spit at us when he said the "two girls" part.

Oh. No. He didn't. (snap, snap). Complicated my ASS. The only complicated thing about tonight is still trying to figure out who the he$% Jamie is.

At this point, Heather explains to the man that Mr. C himself said he needed a change of pace with the music (but I don't think Mr. C ever really ever meant for us to repeat that to his fellow church member, ya know? Oops.)

So you can see where this is heading? Right?

Like, I get out ONCE a freaking year and am now starting brawls with senior citizens.

What have I become?

Mr. C saw what was happening and tried to tell us not to worry and then Mr. Complicated iPod came over and realized we weren't just two chicks crashing the party at the Knights of Columbus who were getting overfamiliar with his machine. But our feelings were hurt. Because it wasn't Mr. C in the corner.

It was really me and Heather.

Lesson Learned:
Stop touching other people's machines. And don't start fights with Senior Citizens. It just doesn't make much sense.

You could get banned from the fraternal order of the Knights of Columbus and that would be embarrassing.

Especially when you ask "DJ Masala" to emcee your next Sweet 16.


Kathy's Klothesline said...

Stop touching other people's machines. You know that could be misinterpreted in certain circles. I mean, even though I am considered a senior citizen (I ask for my discount!), I might like it if someone were to touch my machine .... or not .... depends.....

Anna See said...

oh my goodness! you and heather sure know how to stir things up. glad it didn't turn into a sr. citizens' brawl!

Anonymous said...

Wow. That dude was really disrespectful and we are all lucky that T!nK wasn't there, because that lady would have been pistol whipped at the hand slap. And then mr. complicated would have gotten his FACE complicated with my fist as soon as I detected a condescending tone. (did that make sense?). It's all good.

Nipun said...

that was awesome!!
Great work...:)



Karls said...

Oh yeah! Been there... although not with the elderly! I was once asked to do the music for a friends wedding (long before itunes) so I bought a bunch of CD's especially for the occasion... I should now explain that this was an Australian guy marrying a Argentinean girl and a lot of people flew in for the big occasion. So, I'd put on a few tracks, which would have all the Aussies dancing and loving it. Then one of the Argentineans would come and change it for some traditional (and sometime wacky techno version) music. The whole night the entire crowd was divided by 2...half sitting down bored shitless, half dancing to their fav songs. By the end of the night... I told anyone who asked me about to the music to fuck right off!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Nobody puts Crocker in a corner and OH HELL NO! Nobody slaps Kiran's hand. That was a definite NO. He. Didn't.

Masala Chica said...

Yes - I guess "don't touch my machine" sounds a little iffy, huh? trust me, nobody was touching anybody's "machine" like that.

Although I can't speak for Jamie.

AJ said...

How did I miss these!? They are great! I love the stories!!! THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME LAUGH!

AJ said...

ummmm, so did you know I apparently was NOT following you? So strange.

I remedied that!

Mrs Montoya said...

Yo DJ - you can play at my party anytime! I love how you and Heather get completely out of hand ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE in just one night out. Good stuff!

Té la mà Maria - Reus said...

very good blog, congratulations
regard from Reus Catalonia
thank you

Anonymous said...

Now I'm gonna have to go back and read the rest!

Suzy said...

Dion sang Runaround Sue. I just Googled it! Great playlists. Cupid is one of my all time favorites. Gotta sign off and get me to iTunes!

Carrie Marshall said...

Great post, Kiran! Runaround Sue was by Dion & the Belmonts--some good stuff, but Sam Cooke is my favorite. And I had been wondering if that Schuyler Fisk cd would be any good...may have to check it out:)

Allyson said...

Well, I think your heart was probably in the right place... :D But can you really blame a mommy for wanting to bump it up a notch on the one night/year that she actually gets to go out and do something. I mean, great wine was a good start, but if it's not followed up by jamz and dancing and losing your bra, then really it's just all empty promises.

Way to handle it gracefully and respectfully. I'm pretty sure I would have gone Jerry-Springer-Oh-No-You-Didn't on them...And I'm pretty sure that's not the first brawl they've had at the Knights of Columbus. So, don't beat yourself up about it. Just add it to your wall of accomplishments...

Oh My Goddess said...

Take it from me as someone who lives with the aged,

They always start the ruckus.

They are so immature.

Salt said...

Well at least Slappy didn't have a ruler. I just had a Catholic school flashback.

We need someone to DJ our cocktail reception in the Caribbean. Your workout mix would be totally appropriate and you seem to be knowledgeable on how to work an iPod machine. Would you be available?

Masala Chica said...

Salt - only if you let me drink champagne out of a brown bag. I only deejay classy par-tays.

Caroline said...

This is why they only let you out once a year. Just sayin'

jessalyn said...

i am forcing manfriend to marry me in a few years- you free to dj in sept of 2011? i am making surferwife and meredith at (flash)pasteurized come. it'll be a blast.

Salt said...

Of course. I'm thinking personalized brown bags for champagne might be a fun favor for our guests actually.

MiMi said...

That's hilarious! I would DIE if someone ever looked at my iPod playlists. I actually have one called Cheesy. And it is. Cheesy. And damn that Jamie!!!

Amy said...

This is shaping up to be one wild night girl! What is it about older women that they think they can scold adults??? What a crazy lady!!

And yes, I am in agreement that it's all that bitch Jamie's fault:)

meredith said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
meredith said...

1. mr. C is ADORABLE. i love this pic of him cutting a rug.

2. you can touch my ipod "machine" whenever you want and you don't even have to ask. i heart damien rice, too.

3. i didn't mean for #2 to sound dirty.

4. you ARE a trouble maker, missy!

Lemon Gloria said...

It's very complicated. Don't you worry your pretty little head over it.

Grrrr! Patriarchal oppressor!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Ok. So we all know that Kiran and I are a package deal, right? So all these wedding she is DJ'ing I will be there, ummm. Uh. Slapping hands? I don't know. But I will find a job to work at all your weddings.

foxy said...

Wow... starting fights with senior citizens, huh? Too funny. I really can't believe that someone actually slapped your hand though. Gah. Talk about rude.

Well, I'm finally coming over here from Surferwife's. Man, that was a long time ago that ya'll did the blogswap thing, huh? But I'm here to stay now!! You're dang funny, girl! :)

Sarah said...

OMG - you are so funny. Yes don't touch people's machines. I have to say I do approve of your music selections, though. And Mr. C. is super cute. There's still more to come with these Date Night Lessons, isn't there?

Maven said...

"Stop touching other people's machines" is perhaps the best piece of advice I've read in a very long time.

bwa ha ha ha ha!!!

Sara Plays House said...

Dude. Where did #5 go? I was working on a comment about making your husband get up with the screaming children. Because you know, I have such great luck with all that.
In any case, "Touching Machines" is totally becoming a euphemism in my house.

Shandal said...

Bahaha, this story made me giggle, a lot!

Kat @ said...

Entertaining blog. Loved reading your recent posts. I will definitely be checking in often!
Our blogs are semi-similar; I'd love your feedback about mine, if you have a sec! Thanks!!


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