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Thursday, January 7, 2010

Blog Swap Thursday - Limited Edition

She had me at Corn Nuts. She. had. me. at. Corn. Nuts.

As human beings, we inherently want to connect with others. Well, most human beings. I am not talking to you cranky, cranky people who seem to hate everyone else right now.

I’ll get to you another day.

Whether it’s that sweet woman at your grocery store checkout whose smile is one of recognition and greeting when she sees you. Whether it’s a friendly wave to your neighbor in the morning, as you both are hurrying out of your garages and apparently late to work (again). Whether it’s the nice gentleman at the McDonald’s drive through who knows you all too well. Enough to say, “How ARE you? You don’t look like yourself today.”

Which indicates something is very, very wrong with my, I mean, YOUR family’s diet.

These connections, along with the strong and much more complicated ones with our families, friends and co-workers test us on a daily basis on the kind of people we are.

The kind of people we want to become.

In the blogosphere, there are many of us who have “connected.” It’s odd and sounds a little bit loony. If I had heard myself saying this before I had started blogging, I would have said, “Well it kind of sounds like a cult.”

And it IS. Only better. And we don’t make people drink freaky punch.

I have connected with many wonderful people - but one woman in particular has been a ray of sunshine for me every day. Our connection was instant and our "bloggy" friendship has grown over the past few months. She lives in sunny San Diego, while I live in dreary Washington D.C. She is blonde, I am a brunette. As bloggers, some of us are guilty of needing a lot of validation and support - she is the first one to be there to cheer you on. I get there too.

Just later. I’m usually the last one.

She is really funny. I am usually really angry. She helps balance my bitch out.

She is the Yin to my Yang.

Without further ado, I introduce you to my friend Monique, aka Surferwife. She has the good fortune to have many more celebrity sightings than I do. I have seen Newt Gingrich. She gets to meet Rob Lowe. I was once at a bar, and Fabio kind of elbowed me in my ribs by accident. She got a menu thrown at her head by Keanu Reeves.

I think we know who got the better deal.

May you grow to dig this chick as much as I do. Become a follower. Followers are good. BTW, she doesn't surf, because it's too wet. Not to confuse you. However, she IS training for a triathlon and will be kicking some butt and taking names.

Check out the beautiful blonde below and just try not to fall in love with her.

She had me at Corn Nuts. It still makes me teary eyed.

And I am making a guest appearance at her blog today. This is called a blog swap. It’s like a wife swap but a lot less confusing for our husbands.

This is a post from December, 22nd. It's a letter to Chelsea Handler, another favorite blonde of mine. You can find more of this gold by clicking back to her site.

********************************************

Chelsea. Have your people talk to my people.

Dearest Chelsea,

I had a really bad day yesterday, Chels. And you were at the epicenter of it all. Super crazy, right? See, it all stems from how much I really, really like you. Though I really like Kim Kardashian too, but that's neither here nor there at this point of our relationship. Maybe if you toned down your likeability, my fragile heart wouldn't be in little Chuy sized shreds on the ground. I don't know.

Here's how it goes, imaginary BFF.

I got myself an early Christmas present. Tickets to your last taping of the year. The husband and I, beside ourselves with excitement, start our pilgrimage from San Diego up to your neck at about noon. For your 3:30 taping.

I know your tickets say first come first serve. As your faithful BFF, I read, re-read and triple read what my responsibilities were. We arrived an hour early and got in line. Your buddy in the brown jacket, whom I'm pretty sure is a relative of Jay-Z, told us that Chelsea Handler said we probably weren't going to get in. You know why? There were a lot of VIP's enroute that have priority over us.

Chels, I told him that when you laid your bloodshot eyes on me, a miracle was going to happen and everyones lives would transform for the better. I told him bottles of sugarfree Belvedere *see how closely I pay attention to you and your vodka preferences?!* would rain down from the sky and all would turn right in your world.

Jay-Z Jr. told me, 'Good luck with all that.'

So we waited. And we prayed there was a gigantic pile up on the 10 so your special vips (read word as vip, not V.I.P., thanks) couldn't make it. As we neared the metal detector and I saw your big, fancy Chelsea Lately sign I just knew you would come running out, frantically looking for me. You would whisk my husband and I inside and you would beg me to be on your round table, between Heather Long Boobs and that red hair fro guy.

I waited, Chels. I waited and you never came. It was the weirdest thing ever. And then Jay-Z sent us home. At FOUR PM. I know you know the nightmare that is the 405 freeway at FOUR PM, right? You could have at least given me a bottle of Belvedere to suck on during my THREE HOUR DRIVE HOME.

Instead, we stopped at Starbucks. And I let them put whipped cream on my drink. And I forgot to tell them nonfat. What a fatass, blubbering mess I was in your town. Pretty sure I still have traces of a whipped cream stache on my lip.

So, my dearest. I have a few requests to ask of you for my troubles and to keep me screaming Team Chelsea from my San Diego rooftop.

1. You can totally hire me as a writer for your show. And if you think me being a mom will get in the way of my loyalty to you or my new job, I will give said kids away. I don't eff around, Chels.

2. You can invite me back as your special vip and let me sit in your chair with you while you interview. Thank God vodka is smell free. Not sure I could handle the alcohol smell oozing from your pores.

3. Please be a follower on my blog. Chels, it's the little things you could do to keep me obsessing over you. Don't forget, I devoted 7 hours of my life to NOT see you. Don't feel guilty or anything though, ok?

4. Say my name on the air. Just randomly say Monique. Even Surferwife will work. NO wait. Make Chuy say it. I can't imagine he will be able to pronounce either Monique or Surferwife and that will make for a good skit.

Well, Chels. You did let me see a really hungover Loni Love walking to her car. Yeah, she was tired and beat down looking. Poor girl. I also got to see Ross Matthews and sure enough his voice was as annoying in real life as it is on TV. And Robin Thicke. He drove away in his Porsche convertible with his lame ass white scarf blowing in the wind.

So, to sum it up. I went from a giddy fan to a depressed, fat Starbucks drinking loser in a span of 7 hours and I did it all for you, Chels. To have your eyes fall on this blog entry would make it all better. And to have you fulfill one or all of the above items on my wishlist would improve the quality of many lives. I promise you Chelsea Handler. We are a couple of thirty something, blonde, bitchy girls that are a match made in heaven.

Vodka shots and kisses,
Your BFF Monique
*********************************************************
See what I mean about her being special guys? Anyone who can write a love letter to Chelsea Handler is pretty freaking cool with me.

Monique, you are the only person who loves Corn Nuts as much as I do. When you wrote this post ("What the F am I Really Eating?") on what happens to be my favorite snack - I knew I had found a new friend.

Hello Yin. It's me, Yang.

Here's to keeping it riz-eal, homegirl.

31 comments:

Beth said...

Hilariously written.

Now I need to climb out from under my rock and figure out who Chelsea Handler is...

Beth said...

Oh, yeah... I've seen her on E. I watch so little TV because the penis (my husband) is always the one with the remote. It never stays on one channel for long.

Masala Chica said...

Beth - that's funny - because she is a guy's gal and she is hot, so hubby would probably dig her show. She's pretty funny - I highly recommend it one time when you can steal the remote from pe . . I mean, your husband. ;-)

Juliana said...

I think you had me at your blog. I am also Chelsea's BFF--well my BFF and I are her BFF's. We have thought about traveling to California and stalking her, we are going to be the 1st in line when she comes back to Colorado even if we have to wait with a bottle of vodka in the snow. Oh and we have swapped all her books to conform our friends into handler fans. This blog was really funny!

Oh My Goddess said...

I love all three of you!

What freaky punch?

meredith said...

any friend of surferwife is a friend of mine! now i'm your newest follower! :)

Masala Chica said...

Julianna - I think she only likes Belvedere. But you knew that with all the stalking, I think. And I love your blog too, babe.

Elise - I was referring to freaky cult punch. The kind that people drink. And then they croak. But we SHOULD absolutely have a punch that we all drink that has lots of vodka.

Meredith - welcome to the madness babe. I will come over later and check out your blog and become a follower. So glad to meet you :-)

jessalyn said...

surferwife is the bomb- and apparently you are the bomb as well. just so you know, i will probably spend this entire weekend stalking out your blog and reading everything you ever wrote. but pretend that i said i am too busy this weekend to read blogs, because i dont want your first impression of me to be that i am a loser with nothing to do on the weekends.

Masala Chica said...

jessalyn. I love you already. LOL. I am honored that you would spend ANY of your high priced weekend real-estate on little old me.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

I had a feeling Meredith and Jessalyn would immediately be all up in your grill, Kiran.

MiMi said...

I love Surferwife! I read your Dear John letter on her blog just now and let me tell you: your hubs is lucky you didn't plant that monitor up his butt! What a great story though!

Ams said...

Haha I love it... Actually I think the both of you really crack me up!! :)

Sara Plays House said...

Thank God I have Monique to alert me to radical Mommy bloggers.
You are going in my feed reader, lady!

blueviolet said...

You don't have to sell me on Surferwife. I love her!

And I loved your story about the nighttime husband hijinx. That deserved a good thump between the eyes. How you restrained yourself is beyond me!

Sarah Beth said...

Thanks for stopping by - I love the way you write! I'll have to check out Surferwife, too. :)

Vodka Logic said...

I heart Chelsea too I just wish I was home at night to watch her. I do have a couple of her books to read. I started My Life Horizontal...she is a riot

I heart vodka too if you hadn't noticed :)

Caroline said...

Wow. I am so glad you dropped by my blog today, Kiran. I will definitely be hanging out here.

And, for me, you had me at masala. I just made some chicken curry masala this weekend. There were pictures. Seriously!

Or at least, it had something called chicken curry masala in it. Or was it chicken masala curry? No, definitely chicken curry masala.

Oh, and p.s. I don't really know much about Chelsea Handler, but that letter was awesome. I am so going to be using "vip" from now on.

Mrs Montoya said...

Not sure how you found me, but I'm so glad you did. I like what you've got going on here and am going to check out surferwife, too. Thanks for the midweek hook up. I SO needed a lift!

Mommy Taylor said...

Loved your post on Surferwife. Love that you two are blog swapping. Love your blog. :)

Stephanie Faris said...

She's hilarious...and you are too. And I LOVE Chelsea Handler.

"Freaky punch." I love it!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

That bites. I can't believe she let you down. I feel so guilty for being jealous of your tickets. Damn!

saltsays said...

Loving this swap! I'm so glad to have been pointed over here by Mrs. Surfer. I'm loving it so far!

Oh and your blog design is too adorable as well. :)

Kate@And Then I Was a Mom said...

You two did a nice job. Now go have a drink or two to relax...I hear that's what they do in real swapping anyway. Takes the edge off. I guess. Who knows. Not me.

The Only Girl said...

I loved this post the first time around, but it's still hilarious the second time!

Love you both!

Theta Mom said...

So funny!!! And I need to go check out surferwife, I must be living under a rock!

robynxx said...

heya, thanks for stopping by! glad you liked the blog :)

you've got an awesome blog yourself! hilar :D

MoonNStarMommy said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog :) As for how long it took me to write that Bachelor entry, well... about 3 days .. between wiping nosed, and butts, and changing diapers, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, reading books, giving out school work (cuz I homeschool), turning on cartoons, changing more diapers, not getting dressed, not brushing my hair, and not taking down the Christmas tree that is still up and normally isn't... yeah, that's about it, it just sorta hung out in the background for a long .. long .. time. I wasted about 4 hours of my life on that. LOL... I love this entry - it's great! I'm going to follow you now, and go check out your friend :)

Shandal said...

Kiran that was an amazing introduction! You're an awesome writer my dear! I heart you both! I'd say that your first swaps were a success!

kys said...

I love you both, my talented darlings! Isn't it cool when you find a BBFF? (bloggy best friend forever) (Mine is Lee the Hot Flash Queen.)

Paige said...

Just stopping by from SITS! Have a great week. I really enjoyed reading this entry.

Smart A$$ Mom said...

I'll be honest-I didn't read this. Because YOU had me at corn nuts. But now I need to go back and read because if you meant corn nuts as in a snack, not so much. But if you meant corn nuts like from Heathers, then I am back in.

 

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