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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

My Dear John Letter

Before everybody starts freaking out about my "Dear John" letter to my husband, please know that this is not a standard Dear John letter, the term which is used to indicate a "sayonara" letter from a woman to her spouse or loved one.

Again, this is NOT that kind of Dear John letter.

I start my letters with Dear and his name is John. Enough said.


Dear John,

The other night when we were sleeping, I was kind of fading in and out of consciousness. You may not realize it but because both of the baby monitors - the video one we use for Nico and the regular monitor we have for Shaila, are on my side of the bed, I often have trouble sleeping because I get distracted by every sound or movement.
These things drive me freaking crazy

As a result of this, I sometimes turn the volume very low on these monitors so that I can try to get some semblance of sleep. But I know that this bothers you, husband. You are always nervous that we will miss some of their cries and oh no, what will happen then?

Well, they would most likely pass out and fall asleep. No bruises. No cuts. It just happens.

But that's not good enough for you, because at the crux of all that we have been through, I now realize that it is You -YOU, husband who is the culprit preventing me from embracing any sleep too.

For you see, last night, when I was kind of in and out of consciousness, something really funny happened. Funny as in ODD, maybe not funny as in ha ha, if you know what I mean. But we have different senses of humor so for all I know you are rolling on the floor laughing right now.

Nico started crying. Yes I could hear it. NO, I did NOT catapult myself from the bed to get him because sometimes his crying stops on its own.

But YOU must have been concerned honey. Because while I pretended to sleep, I saw you get out of bed, walk over to MY side of the bed, where you casually TURNED UP the volume on Nico's monitor. And confirmed that he was in fact, crying.

Praise, Jesus.

At which point you tip-toed back to your side of the bed, got under the covers, leaned over me to look at the monitor and tapped me as if you just woke up.

"Hey Honey, it looks like Nico is crying," rubbing the sleep out of your eyes (IMPOSTOR) and pointing at the monitor.

Now I don't know what game you are playing at Husband. But I am on to you. Next time you tap me to tell me about our crying baby, I am going to go kung-fu on you so you better be ready.

Here is what is gonna go down.

1) Save yourself the trip to my side of the bed.
2) Go to our son's room.
3) Address the issue.
4) Tell me about it in the morning.

Now, you know I love you. But I don't love you the same all 24 hours of the day. You are way cuter and more endearing to me in the evening after we come home from work and even better after payday. You are like a perfect 10 those days. But at 4:30 in the morning, you are not as cute and I don't think you are sweet. You go from being Peirce Brosnan to Joe Pesci in less than 12 hours. I can't explain the phenomenon. So please, just use your judgement with these kinds of things.

You start like this

At 4:30 AM, you are more like this.

I have no problem going all kungfu on Joe Pesci so proceed with caution at that time in the morning.

Love ya John!


Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

O.M.G. He is so busted! I can't believe you caught him doing that!! Looking forward to tomorrow's Kung-Fu post.

Anna See said...

Ha! I would have given him the old karate chop. You busted him pretty well here!

Masala Chica said...

I was too tired to give him the karate chop at the time but boy did I give him some he$$ today if you know what I mean. Turning up the monitor and going back to sleep. Love that he did that. Payback is going to be a bit$%.

Love you ladies!

lacochran said...

Unfreakinbelievable. Time to move the monitors to HIS side of the bed.

Oh My Goddess said...

That. Is. Hilarious.


Lisa said...

You are hilarious. I love this letter so much!

Also, if my husband did this, I would stab him in his sleep. I love my husband and my son, but I'm already sleep deprived and easily provoked, and this kind of thing could really push me over the edge.

Anonymous said...

that's actually a good picture of joe pesci!

mo.stoneskin said...

My little nephew likes to stand up in his cot, inch as close to the baby monitor as possible and then suddenly scream down it. His parents jump out of their skin as the little punk lets out blood-curdling cry after blood-curdling cry. When they go in he just smiles coyly. What a man.

ethelmaepotter! said...

That is so...husbandish!
Visting from OhMyGoddess; congratulations on Post of the Week!

IB said...

I would never had the balls to try that when our son was a baby. My wife has a mean right.

Masala Chica said...

Oh boy. I never expected this shout out from Oh My Goddess today. I guess my clients will just have to wait. Thank you guys for visiting!

and yeah - i guess that IS a good picture of joe pesci. funny, huh?


rooimanna said...

Absolute quality, I am now an official follower.

HSL said...

Next time I see John I will beat him with a pipe for you. When are you coming back to Bikram?

PurestGreen said...

I actually gasped with shock. The audacity!

Great post. Have wandered over from Oh My Goddess and am glad to have found you!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Why is it that men are incapable of simply handling what needs to be done? I just did a post the other day enitled "3:00 AM Games" addressing this very issue! Our kids are grown, but we have dog children now. Same thing, though, I am always the one to get up.

Love the letter!

Finding Normal said...

Visiting from SITS.
Happy Saturday!

Amber Page Writes said...

Bwa ha ha ha! That's freaking hilarious, and so something my husband would do.

I'm stopping by from SITS, but I'm going to go follow you now.

Still giggling...

Anonymous said...

LOL That was hilarious! I can't believe you were nice enough to NOT call him out on it immediately. You're a better woman than me! Great post. Love your blog.
Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest. Hope you'll come by my blog and visit for a while. Here's one of my funniest posts:
Have a great weekend. :)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Senita said...

This is hilarious! Classic foolishness at its best. I raise my glass of merlot to you. Salud!

PattiOferrandino said...

OMG this is freaking hysterical! thanks for sharing!!

Shell said...

OMG, that is hilarious! I would be so mad. My Hubs doesn't even pause in his snoring when one of my kids wakes up.

Get rid of the monitors- you'll sleep better and unless the kids are super far away, you'll be able to hear them if they really need you.

The Glamorous WAHM said...

Don't you just hate to bust them doing something like that? You almost feel bad you caught them, but on the other you get to see just how underhanded they can be! lol

Maven said...

You go girl!!

That was GREAT. Looking forward to reading more.

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