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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I Can't Quit You Wegmans

For all my friends who don't live in the mid-Atlantic area and have never set foot in a Wegman's - you better just back off. If you don't know about the wonderland that store is, there will be more room for me.
So hot

You have been warned . . . Now sit back and enjoy my love letter to Wegman's.


Dear Wegmans,

I know that you probably get this all the time. You can't be as attractive as you are and NOT hear it. But I just wanted to let you know that . . . .

I'm in love with you.


Love = XOXO = "zozo"

It's hard, because I haven't told my husband John yet. But don't worry. I am working on it and will find a way to tell him that he is being replaced.

We will be together, don't you worry.

I can be patient and I like bunnies too

When I first met you, I didn't really know what I was getting into. People had warned me about you and told me not to be sweet talked by all your fancy ways. So I went to visit and I was prepared to scoff at you and to hate you.

I had Whole Foods. I had Harris Teeter, (Whole Food's less attractive step-brother). I did NOT need you.

But it wasn't about needing you. It was much more basic than that. It was the way that you smelled. The way that you . . .offered me so much - so much more than I had ever been offered before. Before I knew it, my feelings had gone too far.

And I see the way you look at me too. The way you are always trying to put a little extra pasta salad in my takeout tub or giving me the cupcake with the most whipped cream on it. I just smile and avert my eyes and pretend I don't notice that you think I'm special too.

At first, I felt like I still needed to hide my true feelings. In a way, you represented everything I could not compete with. You changed the playing field. You know how girls who get fake boobs and have tons of plastic surgery change the playing field for us normal girls? It was kind of like that. You were like the Pamela Anderson of supermarkets.

A perky imbalance in the playing field

But I'm straight, so maybe you were more like the "Tommy Lee" of supermarkets . . .?

No, that's not right either. I think I just puked in my mouth

And it's hard. I see the way other people look at you - and I know I am not the only one. I know that you can't ultimately love me the same way that I love you. I am just one of the many who flock to you in hopes that you will notice me. I feel like I am in High School and in love with the captain of the football team. Along with every other freaking girl in High School.

You are like Jake in 16 Candles. Enough said.

Jake I thought I loved you, but I really loved Wegmans

I almost can't take it. I can't compete with all of them. But I know they don't mean anything to you. Not the way I do.

So I don't come to your parking lot. I let all of those other hos women have their way with you at the prepared food section and getting their filthy hands all over perusing your unreal wine selection. That's not love. They don't know you. They just think they do. I won't bother to compete - I don't need those other pushy vixens, I mean, customers nipping away at my heels with their stupid carts.

So love, just know, that I am waiting. One day, I will be able to shop with you and we can be together and the other girls will know we're together and back the f$%# off respectfully leave more spots available for me in the parking lot.

I'll spend my time with the less popular guys for now. Harris Teeter thinks we are going steady. It's still hoping it might get lucky. It has no clue.

I will always heart you. zozo forever.

You had me at "paper or plastic?"


Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Ok, that's it. I lost my mind. As I patiently read about this store that I have never heard of, I get to Jake Ryan. I mean he's ideal for sure, but... I HEART Jake Ryan and even have a shirt to sleep in that says so. And here you are. My blog siamese. Posting a pic of him. It's fate.... and we have lived parallel lives and never knew....

Anna See said...

Jake Ryan???? Oh good gracious I love that boy. Can you believe I have a Wegmans and have never been? Clearly there is something wrong with me!

Masala Chica said...

Monique - I know you have never seen it but it makes Whole Foods look like the ghetto. Ponder that.

Anna - what? Please get to one as soon as possible, preferably not on a saturday morning cuz that's when the other hos are there. You will be blown AWAY.


French Family said...

Funny how my wife and I grew up in Rochester, NY where Weggie's started. We grew up near two of the smallest, oldest, dingiest Weggie's, but still go to the Fair Lakes store ever week. Kids luv it too. Most be something in the cool aid.

Masala Chica said...

i think they pump some form of liquid crack into the air dave and we have no clue.

now I don't know what that means but its just a theory. It's like vegas or something.

Anne Marie said...

the 'liquid crack' is the scent of the fresh baked bread wafting throughout the store...breath slowly.


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