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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Mr. Costco Receipt Crosser-Outer

This is where you help make the world a better place

Dear Mr. (or Mrs.) Costco Receipt Crosser-Outer,

I salute you.

I don't know how you do it. But as we approach the holidays, I wanted to make sure you know how much you mean to me.

I know that it's a busy time of the year for you. That's a lot of receipts! Most people would have gotten Carpal Tunnel by now, but not you! While I am not always the best at showing my appreciation, today I wanted to give a BIG SHOUT OUT to you.

I can come up there with 200 items in my cart and you somehow manage to do an inventory of my cart in less than 10 seconds. How do you DO that? And then you shake your head and do that fake counting thing, just to make sure that we know you mean business. You might even take your index finger and jab it at my cart in time with your fake counting. It's really very smooth.

And the ORDER you maintain as the pushy lady behind me tries to run me over with her cart in her haste to make it you before I can. Nothing seems to phase you! You always gracefully manage to not even blink as the guy behind me tries to cripple me by swiping at my heels. I guess these are the the random acts of violence you have become accustomed to from your vantage point in a virtual war zone.

Because here's the thing Mr. Costco Receipt Crosser-Outer. As you peruse our carts and wield your little marker with a flourish, you never let on what you're REALLY THINKING.

Here's what I mean. Here is an inventory of the contents of just some example cart purchases that I have seen.

Shopping Cart 1:
Two cases of wine, a loaf of bread, the new Dan Brown novel, Metamucil, Fiber One bars, Diet Pepsi and diapers.
Your assessment:
Wino. Who wants to stay regular. And that Dan Brown novel sucked.
What you say:
Have a Nice day!

That's a lot of wine lady. Are you gonna change diapers after drinking that?

Shopping Cart 2:
A ladder. And a box of underwear
Big guy in front of me with plumber's crack
Your assessment:
Did you come here to buy underwear and you ended up with a ladder? Or did you come to buy a ladder and you just ended up with underwear? Which one is it buddy?
What you say:
Have a nice day!

What came first, the chicken ladder or the egg underwear?

Shopping Cart 3: Frozen Pizza, Frozen Chicken Nuggets, Cases of soda, Fruit Roll-Ups, Twizzlers, Potato Chips, Fresh Cupcakes and Cheesecake (they were giving out samples and you couldn't resist)
Tired looking woman with her kids screaming at her in the cart and throwing the aforementioned Fruit Roll-ups at the guy with the ladder and underwear.
Your assessment:
Lady, you need to learn how to cook and maybe you should load up on some fresh veggies, fruit and water which we also sell. No wonder your kids are so cranky with all that over-processed crap you feed them.
What you say:
Have a nice day!

Nothing like a balanced meal

Shopping Cart 4:
A box of muffins, steaks and a case of water. And motor oil.
Guy in the flannel shirt who looks like he had a bit role in "Deliverance"
Your assessment:
What, are you entertaining tonight, Bubba? Or building a bomb? Get the f$#% out of here.
What you say?
Have a nice day!
You've got a pretty mouth

In a crazy world where people have too many mean things to say to each other, you just wield your Sharpie with class and bid us adieu with no words of judgment.

Because that's just WHO YOU ARE.

So I salute you today, in all your glory. I SALUTE you for not giving me dirty looks when I forget and put my receipt away by the time I get to you. I APPLAUD you for democratizing the exit experience of everyone who passes through those doors.

I HONOR you for drawing those cool little smiley faces sometimes for my daughter. Because you know that after I just blew $300 on too much wine, diapers and my fiber supplements, that smiley face reminds me that it's all worth it.

Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukah! Happy Kwanzaa!


Glennon said...

girl, i am too tired to put my finger on the reason, but i just LOVED this post. you are right, i ALSO SALUTE the crosser outer guy. And I LOVE the smiley face, too! and you are totally hilarious and brilliant.
love it, K. keep on keepin' on.
i seriously think you should send this to costco. they could make a commercial out of it. love you,g

Shannon Weader said...

Totally agree :) Ben loves the smiley face and I believe there is a Costco receipt on the floor of his room right now that he insisted on keeping.

Masala Chica said...

Guys isn't it funny that we all think the fact that they draw a stick figure with a happy face is the coolest thing ever? Christmas shopping should be a lot cheaper than it is if we are all that easy to please.

Have fun in the snow!

Shandal said...

LOL, I liked the What came first, the ladder or the underwear. Haha! This whole post is really funny!

Anna See said...

This is awesome!! You always crack me up. Never stopped to consider why I like the smiley face...but it does take the sting out of spending $400 on potstickers and parmesan cheese.

shortmama said...

Love it!! That is so funny!

I do letters on my blog every Thursday if you ever want to come on over and link up with me! Im taking a break for the next two weeks but after that will be back to my regularly scheduled program LOL

Eva Gallant said...

That was a good one! Loved it!

Just stopped by from SITS to say hi; hope you will do the same.

Shell said...

You're too funny! I read your post about your husband, too.

Off to go click on your follow button! :)

Beth said...

I've always wondered if this job really deters shoplifting. Still, it is a job that has stayed despite the economy.

BTW, I've always wondered about the lady who once bought a huge vat of Vasoline and a big bag of rubber gloves. My imagination went into overdrive... and I didn't bend over around her.

Kristin said...

Diapers and booze...Frighteningly similar to my cart. Ah ha ha

Jennifer said...

I love these guys/gals. Taylor and I usually fight over who gets to hold the receipt. We one time got a crosser outer who didn't put a smile face on the back of the receipt, imagine my shock...we had to go back and get our smiley face.

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