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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Put Those Away!

Over the past few weeks, I have been really anxious about a training I was running for the European arm of my company.

I don't know what it is about Europeans that intimidates me. Maybe it's the dry humor of the Germans or the stoic looks of the blondetastic team from Denmark. Maybe it is the sarcastic nature of my British colleagues or perhaps it is the keen fashion sense which they all seem to display across the board which just always makes me feel dowdy in comparison.

So the training is done. I think it went well. And I can breathe again.

Despite my concerns, the Germans were very sweet, the Danish team even laughed at my jokes (ok, just one of them did. That or he had the hiccups) and I held my own with my sarcastic British friends.

They still were all dressed way cooler than me, but that's ok.

But you know how when you are nervous about something, you psyche yourself out about it so much that you just get overwhelmed by the anxiety and stress of it all?

Does that ever happen to you?

And do you have weird dreams about it - like the kind where you are in the 7th grade again and in gym class and all of a sudden all your clothes are gone and everybody is laughing at you, including your gym teacher AND the hot guy from your math class.

One of my old sorority sister's just posted a status on Facebook saying how she just gave a three hour training with her fly down. She realized afterwards, of course.

I totally empathize - I fear this kind of stuff and it happens quite often. Like any time I eat something green, it will end up stuck in my teeth and I won't know until four hours after I ate it.

It's just way the world works.

One time, I had a meeting with one of the Senior VPs at my company regarding a new company initiative. I vowed to myself that I would NOT psyche myself out. That I could handle it.

I was excited to meet with him and made a special effort with my appearance that morning.

Hair. Check.
Makeup. Check.
Cute shirt. Check.

I walked into the meeting with confidence. I was very composed as I spoke with him in great detail about how I thought the project should proceed and what role I could play in it. He then asked me about my future plans and aspirations - kind of a "What do you want to be when you grow up, Kiran?"

He had some great suggestions and I left the meeting really pleased with how things had gone. I reached out and shook his hand and told him "I will do what I need to do, to get the job done."

Kind of cheesy. But I was caught up in the wave of my "be all that you can be" frame of mind and went a little overboard.

And then I walked out. As I was patting myself on the back, one of my co-worker's said "Wow! What are you wearing?"

I thought she was complimenting me as I thought I looked pretty good myself, thank you very much.

I saw her eyes widen. "Or should I say what are you NOT wearing?!"

I looked down.

Awww f$$#.

F&^&ity, F%^!, F%$%!

3 out of the 4 buttons on my shirt had opened.

Like, WIDE open.

Like, put those AWAY open.

Or maybe in my haste to leave the house that morning, they had never been fully closed.

I have no idea what that VP thought. He must have been like, "Wow. Sister may need a raise so she can buy some clothes. Or some buttons."

And when he asked me about my career path he was probably thinking what I really wanted was to be a pole dancer or stripper.

And when I told him I would do whatever it took to get the job done, he was probably like, "Uh, yeah. I can see those. I mean, that."

I think I screamed in anguish for about five minutes. My friend thought it was funny and applauded my "strategy" for getting a raise. (No, I did not, by the way). She didn't think I had it in me to be such a hooker. And she also thought I might want to change career paths and invest in some go-go boots.

She told me this as she handed me three singles.

The whole thing was fantastically mortifying.

What has happened to you that is equally as bad? I beseech you to share.

Pretty puh-lease.



AJ said...

Dear Kiran,

I am so sorry you flashed your boobs at you boss... but I am laughing at you. Because that is SO something that could happen to me.

I have tucked the edge of my skirt into my pantyhose before (many moons ago)... I have worn two very obviously different socks, I have walked around with my fly down... but letting my boobs loose is something I don't believe I've ever done (I also check to see how much cleavage I am exposing often... I feel ocd about that, people probably think I am feeling my cleavage up all the time.)

Bill Schimmel said...

I have a co-worker who pantsed herself at the company Holiday party. She had only been with us for a few weeks, she tripped and somehow her shoe caught hold of her skirt and then wasn't good.

She does still work here though and, as far as I know, fully recovered from the incident.

Tracie said...

I sauntered into a gas station in such an obvious state of disarray that afterwards a homeless person asked "Is this your dumpster?" Sad but true.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Bahahaha! I effing love the ess out of you, Kiran. You are the best.

jessalyn said...

HAHAHA. i am sorry. i am laughing with you, not at you. i have done this at work at my old job before. when i had to wear grown up clothes. lucky for me, in my new job, i mostly wear sweatshirts. supah proffesh, huh?
anywho- when i met the ghost hunters (jay and grant of taps. on the syfy channel. ok, i know they aren't a-listers), i had a HUGE piece of bright green parsley in my front teeth. that was awesome.

Shell said...

OMG, how funny!

I block stuff out like that. I'll have to ask Hubs, he can tell me my mortifying moments.

Claudia said...

Love that story Kiran! We have all done things like that (well maybe not THAT bad)! I ran into our CEO on my way back from the bathroom and was trying to be all impressive and chat him up. All the while he kept watching me with great interest, which of course made me keep talking and then he finally leans in like he's going to pat me on the back and tell me how great I am and whispers "you have toilet paper sticking on your pants". Yes- TP hanging off of my pants. SWEEET!!!

foxy said...

That same exact thing happened to me in Vegas. My hubs (boyfriend at the time though) and I went to see Mystere and on our walk to the hotel, we realized that several people were smiling and waving at us - being VERY friendly. It wasn't until we got to the theater that he finally he turned around to look at me (as he was just walking by my side, not looking at me) and realized that half my shirt was unbuttoned . NICE... VERY NICE.

MiMi said...

Oh, well I've done so much stupid crap I can't even narrow it down...I guess when I had to do a presentation in college was pretty bad. I laughed because I was nervous and then I asked the student teacher if he farted.

Seeker of Truth said...

Our college had a welcome back picnic one year and I was in jeans because it was a bit on the cool side. I stood in line for a while, ate food with friends, tossed around a frisbee, then played sand volleyball with one or two other guys and nine or ten other girls. All the girls were 7s or better. It wasn't until I got back to my dorm that I realized my fly had been open the entire time.

Arizona Mamma said...

I'm not good at thinking these things up on the fly. Instead I'll just have a quiet little chuckle at your expense. ;)

Stephanie Faris said...

OMG that has SO happened to me...but never in an important meeting. One time last year we were at a function for my fiance's daughter and we struck up a conversation with one of the other moms. She was a sweet lady and kept talking and talking, but two of her buttons were unbuttoned, exposing her bra. When my fiance turned away and was out of earshot for a second, I quietly told her. I hated to embarrass her, but I'd want to know! She was wearing one of those old lady cross-your-heart bras. At least I'd want to be wearing something sexy if that happened!

Masala Chica said...

AJ -stop feeling yourself up. it's just not appropriate. it's not. at least i am just providing a visual.

nothing else.

Bill - that is effing hysterical. Poor thing. I am sure she has a job - but I can't even imagine what the im's about that event were like in the following weeks.

Tracie - there is always room for you in my dumpster. always.

Monique - i love the effing ess out of you too. what does "ess" stand for? shiz-nit?

jess - don't worry sweetie - those guys probably still thought you were hot. parsley or no parsley.

Shell. Stop pretending. the reason cuz you can't remember is that you are way more composed than I will ever be. Like those snowmen you made? those snowmen would kick my snowmen's asses. you're a badass.

Claudia! I remember this story! I actually do remember you telling me this (if this is my old friend Claudia M, that is). If not - than this is a huge coincidence and you must connect with my gorgeously cute and sweet sorority sister claudia M.

foxy - what happens in vegas mama. i won't tell a soul. promise (no my fingers are NOT crossed).

Mimi! Why can i TOTALLY picture that? Seriously - it's like I was there.

Seeker of Truth - hey girl - is this the first time you have visited? If so - welcome! You know - I doubt it was the whole time - probably just the last ten minutes or so. that is what you have to tell yourself anyway. it's how i sleep at night - I know these things.

Arizona mama - don't laugh sweetheart. i mean, i don't see anything funny about it. at all. as a matter of fact, if you saw what i look like post baby number two, you would probably cry on my behalf. seriously!

Steph - you had me at "that totally happened to me" - but it didn't girlfriend. but you are a good person to have told her - I don't blame my vp for not telling me. he was probably like - dude, it's too early for this. "stop!" But i am glad you were there to protect ms. cross your heart. with my luck - people would see my spanx or something.

meredith said...

okay, i need to address of a couple of things so i hope this comment doesn't turn into a vignette.

1. my dad is swiss-german and works for german engineering oil and gas company which is headquartered in germany (obvi) but has offices here in houston, ny, and chicago. anyways, growing up, he always had a lot of the german, dutch, swiss, french, and (insert other EU country here) over to our house for dinner. the swiss (particularly the swiss- germans) are very stoic - the swiss have managed to stay out of every single major world war AND they guard the pope, so that should tell you something about their personalities. they thought our family dynamics were a riot (read: weird) because my mom and i - who are both excited, happy people - just talked, talked, talked, talked, and talked some more with them. or more like at them, because they didn't respond much. we wore them out.

2. i once did a presentation with spinach stuck in my teeth. it was in front of texas state reps and our houston mayor and houston city council. afterward, my friend said, "did you see my hand motions?? i was trying to tell you that you had a piece of spinach covering one of your teeth so you looked like one of your teeth had been knocked out."

i like to keep it classy, you see.

Karls said...

Hahahaha! That is hilarious!

My girlfriend and I (we were around 20) went camping with a bunch of mates down the coast. We were raucous and had been warned by the ranger to pull our heads in. That night, we got completely effed up and went on a nudie run. It was a loud, loud, night and after another visit from a very angry ranger, we all stumbled into one tent and passed out.

We woke to the ranger knocking on our tent door. He told us to pack our shit and leave within the hour. My best mate, opened the tent door and pleaded with the ranger... 'What do I have to do for you to let us stay? I'll do anything!'... he looked at down, looked at her in disgust and said 'You've got one hour!'

She zipped up the tent, turned around and had her pants completely unzipped... she wasn't wearing any undies either. Her vag and pubes were totally exposed! The ranger obviously though she was offering her nether region to him in exchange for another few nights.

Beth said...

Your story tops mine... but once when I was student teaching (a long time ago), I bent down to help a wee little lad and ripped my pants on the edge of the dry erase board. And everyone could see my blue and pink polka-dotted undies. It was a moment to be proud of. And my undies matched my bra (I had to point that out to the principal just to make him uncomfortable).

Sarah said...

Oh god. Fly open, boob hanging out, tag still attached? I've done it all. And the worst thing is...I usually think I look soooo cool. Before realizing the...ahem...issue.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I am 57, I have had way too many of these moments to even begin to share... like going into the water at the beach and coming out with one boob covered and the other staring at all the people on the beach and me totally unaware....

Seeker of Truth said...

Kiran, it's Ness. Why, exactly, did you assume I was a girl?

Ams said...

Ohh noooooooo.. Kiran.. talking the boobies back in already ;) lol
Omgosh, I am sorry but I am laughing really hard over here. I can't help it!!
I am sure the bottoms popped open JUST as you were leaving the moment... sure of it ;)

(PS, I super duper don't have facebook... I know... a sin... lol)

Liz C. said...

I literally laughed out loud. It was mortifying then, but what a great story now. Thanks for putting a smile on my face :)

Salt said...

Oh my gaaahhahahahahahahaha!!! I'm sorry to be laughing at this because it's just awful.

BUT the thing is...if that guy had been a good friend, he would have let you know what was going on. If I were in a meeting with someone and they had something in their teeth or their fly down or their boobs hanging out, I'd let them know. I know for sure that I would want someone to tell me. I mean obviously if you are a profosh business person, you aren't going to go in like that on purpose.

Instead he had to be a creepster about it. Shame on him.

Amy said...

Kiran, you are so stinkin' cute I can't stand it!! I have perhaps more anxieties regarding work issues than should be at all possible. Everyone and everything intimidates me! Ridiculous, I know.


It's just nice to hear that other people have the same thoughts and I'm not just bat shit crazy!

BTW, I think it's the accent of foreigners that makes us think they are superior. They could bust out with lyrics to Lil Wayne, and I'd think it was the most beautifully poetic thing I've ever heard!

Sadako said...

Great post! I never have the naked in 7th grade dream. Me, I have the "I'm in music class and I can't remember how to play violin and oh crap" dream. It's ridiculous. I also had the most horrifying dragon lady of a music teacher...

I've never done the boob sticking out thing. Well one time I had a doc's appt and I just wore a sweater without a top underneath and at one point I did flash, boobage. Oh, boobs. :D

Anonymous said...

Wow! LOL! That was hilarious! I think I would have died.

Masala Chica said...

Guys so I just wanted to clarify. I wasn't like a porn star and flashing national geographic style.

that happened another time.


Serenityville said...

PORN star!!! I have not done anything that embarrassing...although I did stink up a bus once in jr high....but luckily nobody knew it was me! haha!!

Karena said...

Ok, so in 8th grade I was a total unpopular dork. Also, my family was poor, which means I couldn't wash my clothes after everytime I wore them. In class one day I felt something in my pants and proceeded to pull it out. Of course it was a pair of dirty granny panties (can we say period stains. EWWWW) that I had left in the pants the last time I wore them. Dis-Gus-Ting.

Oh and Karls, I have no idea what pulling your heads in or nudie runs are, but your story was hysterical.


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