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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Blame it on The Rain

A wise, hip-hopping, lip-synching and follicular-ly gifted duo once said . . .

"Blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah.
Cuz the rain don't mind.
And the rain don't care.

You've got to blame it on something."

So wise. And yet, misunderstood.

I loved Milli Vanilli. They put the "synch" in lip-synch way before Ashley Simpson ever did.

But here's the thing. I choose not to blame it on the rain. Because I don't know if that makes any sense.

What I choose to do instead is blame it El Niño.

I have tried to understand what the bloody hell everybody is talking about with El Niño. And also his equally tumultuous step-sister, La Freakin' Niña (I hear she can be a real be-atch).

Now, I don't know what any of it means. But apparently it keeps coming back. And weird things happen as a result of it. The other day, some crazy ass sharks were doing some massive migration off of Fort Lauderdale, FL. I did not know if this was abnormal or anything, and before doing any research, I thought I would just say,

"Why El Niño?! WHY?"

John looked at me like I was crazy and changed the channel to watch Soccer. Also known as fútbol.

So here is my tip of the day. Blame it on El Niño. Nobody challenges you because I have found that nobody else really knows what the hell it all means anyway. Here are some convenient ways I have looked to El Niño to make my life easier.

If your kids are being particularly naughty and start to resemble Chucky.

Blame it on El Niño.

If you have put on some weight and can't get it off no matter how many doughnuts you eat?

El Effing Niño.

If there is a problem at work and you are sick of dealing with crap from other people?

Conveniently point a finger at Mr. Niño.

If you are a fan of The Bachelor and are upset about what skanky ass girl he kept on this past week.

El Niño.

You picked a fight with an innocent senior citizen at a party for your friend's 70 year old Dad at the Knights of Columbus.

Thanks to you, El Niño, DJ Masala is on sabbatical.

If you were playing with your Wii and found yourself injured and unable to temporarily train for your triathlon while you convalesce.

El Niño was there. Fo' shiz, Monique.

So, what I am asking you to do friends is really ensure that you don't accept responsibility for areas that you may fall short, that you might improve or in which you possibly erred.

Because I know you guys are perfect.

So blame that bastard, El Niño. Come up with creative things you might even be able to blame on him. If you are a Republican, say the stupid shit the Democrats do is because of El Niño. If you are a Democrat and want to explain why Rush Limbaugh is such a moron, point your little finger at El Niño.

Seriously - life is so much easier when we can look to place the blame elsewhere.



MiMi said...

I find that not only El Nino, but you can also say Global Warming!!! and people just agree.
And, yes, I love the MV proud of you for admittin' it. :)

Salt said...

Did you hear about the GIANT SQUIDS in California!? I am totally blaming that on El Niño. I'm blaming this ridiculous snow we keep getting and the fact that I have a sore throat on El Niño also.

I, too, loved Milli Vanilli. Even when it came out that they were big fakers, I didn't love them any less. Because dammit they were GOOD at lip synching. I wish I was that good at lip synching.

meredith said...

whatever happened to blaming it on the ah-ah-a-a-a-alcohol?

p.s. - i like john already changing it to soccer!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

I can totally do that!

Forgot to wake the boy up in time to make the bus - El Nino hit my snooze button

Tripped and fell on my driveway twice, both times landing on the same bruised and cut up knee - El Nino tripped me!

Drank a couple of glasses of wine and went to a school event stinking like a rummy - El Nino poured it down my throat.

I could go on, but let's just say, El Nino has been very busy at my house. Thanks Kiran!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

You are so RIGHT! So right. Thank God I have smart friends like you to remind me that my Wii Fails are not a result of my own uncoordinations, but in fact a direct result of El Nino.

Thank you.

Lemon Gloria said...

I still love Milli Vanilli! And I hate rain! I blame a whole lot on it.

I do think you have a great point, though, blaming things that nobody listening to you really understands.

The Only Girl said...

Spent my "work from home" day blogging instead of working? Yep - El Nino.

Meagan@Megs7827 said...

Just my luck people in my office know what the heck el nino is.

Amy said...

OMG, so funny!!! Seriously, what the hell is this El Nino anyway?? When it first surfaced I thought it was like a 100 year storm...Like, oh yeah, the weather is crazy and shit because this year is El Nino...But that wily bastard keeps returning...year after freaking year!

Oh, and the frizz in my hair today? Freaking El Neno, Kiran, freaking El Neno!!!!

Ams said...

Hahaha I am dying over here!!!
I agree... when in doubt - blame it on some weather force that I am not even sure exists! lol
I needed this laugh this morning :)

Anna See said...

thanks for the advice. i think this is preferable to blaming everything on peri-menopause.

AJ said...

I am going to start.

For awhile I just blamed everything on Canadians. (sorry to the Canadian readers out there) Damn Canadians.

it seemed like a logical thing to do at the time.

and it made people laugh.

Debbie said...

I love this idea! I have quite a few things I can blame on El Nino.

Everyday Goddess said...

Si, los ninos often make us muy loca.

Momastery said...

I actually prefer blaming everything DIRECTLY on Rush Limbaugh, but as a back up, I'll keep Senor Nino in my pocket too. Good thinking.
Love G

Melinda said...

So, like when you think your son not making the district spelling bee is all about YOU ... you can just blame it on El Nino?? Brilliant. ;0)

I'm not telling my teenage daughter about this concept though. ;0)

Hey, tried to listen to your song on your friend's website, but there was some techie glitch and I couldn't listen to it. I think it is so cool that you did that, though!! I'll go back to the site later and try again!

Anonymous said...

Why does bad behavior have to be a Latino/a's fault!!!

We cook good rice and beans and that has to count for something!

SIKE! I blame el nino, la mama and papi too!



Karls said...

Firstly... it is soccer!

Now to Mr effin Nino - we had 6 MAJOR floods here last year... at first I was really happy to see the rain (I'd been living in Melbourne which has been in severe drought for about 10 years - or more). He needs to learn about balance... He is an all or nothing effing a-hole.

I blame him for my saggy tits and erectus nippola... plus my third nipple - as if two aren't enough!

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA, When, after not seeing your ex husand after a year and you finally see him and it turns out he is a drag queen at a trashy gay bar, blame the reason you married him, on El Niño.

and when you get all moody and write a blog about it, which he reads, and sends all the tranny's in the valley after your ass. blame THAT mood swing on El Niño.

Although, giving those tranny's my home address and telling them to come get it is probably my fault.

Anonymous said...

I had a hippie social sciences teacher in middle school and did a huge ol' research project on the Big N back when I was pretty sure I wanted to change the world, but these days, I'm not so convinced by the Big N.

Usually, when someone says "Oh, that's because it's El Niño" I say "wasn't that last year?" and the conversation dwindles.

And who came up with baby sister N? That was about the point where I stopped Believing. It's weather! It happens!

But now.. I have an excuse for everything.. ;)

Julie (brown eyed belle) said...

I just laughed out loud at this post. I am now blaming this crappy day on freakin' El Nino. Thank you, ma'am!

Sarah said...

I love how deep this post is. You have a smart way at getting at a very good message! It's so easy for people to pass the buck (including myself, sometimes. Admittedly). Our own happiness, our own decisions...our much depends on it!

MONICA-LnP said...

I so loved Milli Vanilli and even saw them in concert and never would have guessed they were lip synching!
and yeah its suppose to rain the next 3 days here in Cali and I am blaming El Nino!

Sara Plays House said...

Um, I still have Milli Vanilli. On cassette. Wonder how I would get that onto my iPod?
Anyway, I am blaming my utter laziness tonight on El Nino. That wet bastard will be at my house tomorrow, delivering three inches of rain.
(Actually it's probably NOT El Nino, but still. Furthermore, have you discussed El Nino with the Surferwife? I hear she does voodoo.)

Masala Chica said...

Mimi - that is brilliant. I will immediately add it to my excuse repartee!

Salt - I am so proud of you that you even know who Milli Vanilli is! (given that you are younger than me, I am always trying to look cool to your gen).

Meredith - usually when I am blaming el nino, I am drunk, so I have the alcohol part covered.

DG - Make sure El Nino doesn't get anywhere near your mad bathroom. He would do all sorts of shit to it. literally.

Monique - I tried to do that dance game thingy and I have to tell you I just about killed myself. I just was trying to do "Jerk it Out" and I think I threw my back out. Damn you, El Nino.

Lisa - Milli Vanilla is so much better than Barry Manilow - so proud of you!! I'm going to blame Copacabana on El Nino!

Cher. You lucky duck you. After the car debacle the other day, you deserve it.

Meagan - what are you? a meteorologist? How is the IQ of your whole office higher than my mortgage. Not fair.

Amy - i blame my frizz solely on my genetics. And my mother. She SOO did this to me.

Amber - you're right. I don't think it exists. It's some bullshit that someone made up.

Masala Chica said...

Anna and AJ - I think if you mix the two - menopausal Canadians? you would be on to something quite brilliant.

Debbie - thank you for loving it :-) Let me know what you come up with!

Glennon (Momastery) - what do you MEAN, you don't like Rush Limbaugh (Scratching my head). So confused. But he's just so darn, gosh, what's the word? likeable? Like a big teddy bear. (ooops I just flushed him down the toilet).

Elise - wait, you speak spanish AND armenian? sheesh. (don't let rush know).

Melinda - that spelling bee story was traumatic. I was totally with you sister.

Cristina - Ay mama! No es porque el Nino es latino, es porque I have no freaking clue how else to get by in this world. (My husband is half Puerto Rican and I blame everything on him too, so that's ok, right)

Karls! Now that I know your voice (Ms. Hot Australian, thank you very much) - I can imagine you yelling at me about soccer, not futbol. That third nipple is one of the good side effects of el nino though. So it's ALL Good!

Nathanael. NO EFFING WAY. Gasp. Dude, you can't make that shit up.

Kate - I have no idea who came up with it. My guess is meteorologists don't get out much and one got wasted at the annual meteorologist convention and conspired how to eff with the rest of us.

Monica - those guys were gorgeous. I don't care if they lip synched. They could have just stood there and done that cool little dance they did with the arm, leg switch and I would have been ok.

Julie - Thank you sweet lady :-)

Sarah - thank you kind friend. I WAS trying to be sardonic, but I DO find that most of my stories always have a "but" in them and the problem is NEVER me. So definitely a wake up call for me.

Sara!! say it isn't so! All you need to do is buy the three best songs EVER - "Girl You Know It's True", "Blame it On the Rain" and "Girl I'm Gonna Miss you" - that's all you need - and that will run you like $3.50 on itunes.

I will need to trade notes with surferwife - thanks for the heads up ;-)

Serenityville said...

I was so in love with Milli-Vanilli and even back when nobody knew everybody was doin' it, I didn't mind that they lip synched. I mean, it must be really hard to sing and dance at the same time, right??


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