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Saturday, June 26, 2010

Too Pretty . . . .

A couple of days ago, I was having a conversation with our lovely Au Pair, Fe, about some of her friends back home in Brazil.

She was giving me the rundown on some of her friends back at home. She was trying to explain one to me in particular . . .

"You know, she is just soooo, sooo nice - and she is sooooo, soooo great. I just miss her so much. And you know - she is so pretty, but she doesn't ACT like she is too pretty, you know what I mean?"

I nodded my head. Because of course I totally understood what she meant.

"I mean, like, she is really pretty. You know, how sometimes . . . ?" Fe looked at me for confirmation.

"How sometimes . . . What?" I asked.

"You know. How sometimes when someone is so good looking, you can't even imagine that they . . . . you know . . . " she said.

"They they . . . what?" I asked.

"That they are so good looking, you can't even imagine that they would like do something . . . like . . . poop."

She looked at me, ready for me to laugh and ask her what the heck she was talking about.

But I totally GOT it.

"Oh man!" I said. "She sounds . . . kind of like . . . well, I bet I wouldn't like her! I hate when people are so pretty - like not-poopable pretty!"

We both nodded our heads in agreement, for this was surely unfair. To be so pretty that your poop probably DID smell like roses.

I felt like we were on to something - some unspoken, but often felt common denominator in the whole attractiveness quotient that certain people command.

"Ok - so like - if we were talking Hollywood celebrities . . . which celebrity would you say you coudn't imagine ever poops?" I asked, just to make sure we had the same standards when judging attractiveness.

"Cameron Diaz. She certainly never poops." Fe said with confidence.

"Are you kidding me? She totally poops. Didn't you ever see "There's Something About Mary"?" Fe nodded but looked confused.

I elaborated. "Well," I explained, "Anyone who does what she did to her hair in that movie is too down to earth to NOT go to the bathroom. She probably burps in public too! Hmmmm. Who would I pick? Oh . . . I know!" Inspiration had hit. "Penelope Cruz!"

Fe nodded, so fast I though her head would come off. "Yes! She would NEVER, EVER poop!" she exclaimed. "Who else? What about for a guy?"

"That guy from "Harry Potter" who is in those stupid "Twilight" movies that you like!" I said.

"You mean Edward? Robert Pattison?" Fe said.

"Whatever!? He can't poop! He's a vampire!" I said, for I am well-versed on these things.

"Precisely," she said, nodding. "Who else?"

"Catherine Zeta Jones." Did you see her in "Entrapment"?

"Oh! That "Zorro" woman would never poop. NOT possible. Also - Angelina Jolie."

"Jennifer Anniston!" Wow - how did Brad Pitt feel about that? Two for two . .

"That girl from Titanic?" Fe said, "You know - Kate Winslet?"

"Yes?" I asked, wondering where she was going.

"Well, she DEFINITELY poops." Fe informed me.

"Wow. Yeah, I can totally see that." This is only because I saw her in "The Extras" when she was talking potty talk as a dirty ass nun,

"And Britney Spears? I bet she is really bad. Like - so bad, there is not enough air freshener for it."

"Hmmm." I said, not wanting to pass judgment (but totally agreeing at the same time).

So, just so everyone knows - we are in the midst of potty training and if you read my post the other day, you will know why we have a one poop, I mean, one track mind. Sorry if I have been a little bit more crass than normal, but if you can't handle this shit, we can't roll together right now, because it's pretty much all we talk about in this house right now . . .

Hope you have a brilliant week . . .



Anna See said...

Love this! What about January Jones from Mad Men? I'm thinking she doesn't.

Shell said...

Unpoopable pretty? LMAO

Tracie said...

Katie Perry - pooper
Gwenyth Paltrow - non-pooper

Meagan@Megs7827 said...

That's funny! I've never thought of it like that! I will have to see if i know any non poopers

Kristin said...

Do you think Gwyneth Paltrow poops?

alessandra said...

Hahaha, the craziest conversation ever.
However, for me, even the most beautiful person does poop, I just can picture all of the ones you mentioned, doing it, just saying.
When I was at school, and was afraid of teachers, my mum said, picture them on the toilet.
You see I'm trained.

myra said...

hilarious! how about julia roberts?!

foxy said...

Hahahahaha... this is seriously awesome! "not-poopable pretty" is the best thing I've read this morning... way to start my week off right.

Carolyn @ life, love & puppy prints said...

This post totally makes me laugh!!! SOOO TRUE! :)

KLZ said...

This is totally a conversation I would have with my sister. And I'm pretty sure that now that I've read this it's a conversation I WILL be having with my sister shortly.

nmaha said...

I can imagine anyone pooping....but only since we started potty training.....though going by the basics of this conversation:
Daniel Craig - non-pooper (more in a macho than pretty way, though)
Eva Mendes - pooper (sexy but real)

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

Tom Cruise- former non pooper. Now, has crazy poop that jumps on couches.

BTW, I totally get your shit!

The Mommyologist said...

This was hilarious! I remember my BFF in 8th grade asking me to try and picture the guy I had a crush on pooping. I just couldn't do it!! LOL!

jessalyn said...

haha i so know what you mean! for me, it would be lauren conrad. there is no way she poops.

side note: after two years of being with (& cohabiting w/) my boyfriend i asked him if he pooped. not because he is too pretty though, just because he is such a secret pooper,i had no idea...

Anonymous said...

LoL. Tara Reid is probly worse than Britney.

Allyson said...

While I had never actually put it into those terms before, I TOTALLY get it!! And what's weird is I can imagine those people with orgasm faces, but not poop faces and let's face it...they're pretty much the same face.
I bet Lady Gaga strikes poses while she poops.

Venassa said...

Hahaha I think the same way. I think Reese Witherspoons as well.. she is just too cute to poop.

Sara said...

I love that the concept of "too pretty to poop" transcends culture and language alike. I would've thought that to be a purely American concept, so I'm grateful to Fe for showing me that it is trans-continental!

P.S. Nicole Kidman DEFINITELY does not poop.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

I know you won't think that this is the same thing but, when I was a little girl, I was IN LOVE with Donny Osmond. I fell out of love with him when I realized that I couldn't imagine him taking his weiner out of his pants and peeing.

And BTW, Brittney craps thunder.

AJ said...

hahaha! That is classic!

I am soooo sorry you are potty training. There is nothing like that to make poop your whole life!

Sadako said...

I'll totally use not poopable pretty in a conversation some time. Awesome.

Anonymous said...

Soooo funny! lol.

Feeling Fit With Dana said...

Love this conversation and I so get it too! This just made my day!

Cyma Saeed said...

Kiran, you are uber the conversational style and the chica gup. Here's something wickedly funny that you will enjoy too. From one girl to another [Desi Comic Strip]


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