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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Because Poop Happens

You know, I joke about how it's hard to get out of the house with two kids.

How, by the time I get home from work, or from traveling - the thought of having to lug my two kids around with a diaper bag that never seems to have what I need in it, exactly when I need it, makes me want to stay close to home.

But some of you have said - "It's important to get out there! So you don't lose your sanity!"

Which has me scratching my head because when did you ever hear me say I had any to begin with?

So last weekend, I decided that it was time to venture out. It was a good a time as any. My husband was yelling at the TV, constructively providing feedback
cursing and yelling like an effing lunatic during the broadcast of the England vs. USA game for the World Cup. Frankly, he was scaring the crap out of me, I thought he could use some "alone" time.

I decided to pack up the kids and took off to go shopping. Our Au Pair, Fe, also wanted to come with me because
all of John's yelling was giving her a serious headache she wanted some new clothes.

So we go to a clothes store with Shaila and Nico in tow. They are both still in diapers. (Yes, Shaila is almost three and still in diapers. Adventures in Potty Training is another post. Please don't judge. Ok, go ahead - I suck).

We walk into the store and I feel like a drug addict who just stumbled upon a "buy one joint, get this line of coke 1/2 off!" sale. The sheer smell of clothes that I really have no business of wearing unless I planned on going clubbing in Jersey with my body from like, ten years ago, intoxicated me.

I recognized that I was in trouble.

So I start piling clothes onto Nico's stroller. John would not mind this little shopping expedition, I told myself. This was confirmed when he called to tell me that the US had tied England 1-1, and his relief gave me clear license to run up some damage on our credit cards.

NOTE: Had England won, I would have hastily left the store to provide support and love for my husband.


About ten minutes in, I catch a whiff of something.

"Mommy! Mommy!! I pooped! It's a big one, Mommy!" screamed Shaila, in order to ensure that everyone in the store was aware of her special gifts.

I wrinkled my nose and bent down to check out the evidence and sure enough, she was right.

(Now, I know half of you may find it strange that after becoming a mother I find it wholly appropriate to bend down and take a whiff of my child's hiny. The other half of you are nodding your head in complete understanding and totally ready (HOLLA!) to start a support group for what we have become).

I looked over at Fe. "We have to go soon," I advised as I did a mental inventory of the financial damage of our purchases.

Suddenly, the shrillness of my daughter's already shrill whine reached a new pitch, yet unheard by me.

Shaila: "MOMMY!!!! I POOPED!!!!"
Me: "Yes - Honey. I know! We are leaving."

And there it was.



Now, this was not the kind of store that had nice, cush bathrooms for its clients. Nor did it have changing tables to clean my children up. The clothing racks also were not spread far apart, far, far away from the reaching poopy hands of my child.

Oh, crap.

I looked at Fe helplessly as we tried to rally the poops, oops, I mean, TROOPS, and get things under control. Fe rushed out of the store with Shaila to change her diaper in our car while I held down the fort with Nico, who was doing backflips in his stroller trying to keep up with all the action.

This was POOP-tastic.
A real, jolly freaking poop-isode.
Simply Poop-endous.

Life may hand you lemons. If it does? I advise that you make some lemonade.

On the other hand? Life may also hand you poop. In which case, I say, change the diaper and keep on shopping.

I am ever grateful that Fe was with me that day to help me out. As it is, the scars are healing slowly, but had I been alone on that expedition, you can guarantee I would not be leaving my house voluntarily till the kids were like, in freaking middle school.



Lemon Gloria said...


Nononononononono! I am sure this will happen to me one of these days but oh, please let it be later rather than sooner.

I admire a woman who can clean poop off her toddler's hands, butt, etc, and keep on shopping. You must be strong.

Sara said...

Fe sounds amazing.

I feel like kids pick the most inopportune moments to poop/puke/pee/scream obscenities they learned from the neighbor child who lights things on fire on the driveway.

alessandra said...

Fortunately there's a lot of shopping on-line...yes I know , so sad :(

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

No Way! That girl deserves hazard pay for that particular mission.

Karls said...

Oh my! I think my uterus just shrivelled up and died!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

She was just trying to provide know, in case you didn't believe the whiff you got! Thank goodness you were wise enough to take help with you!

Carolyn @ life, love and puppy prints said...

OMG! This is so funny!! Glad you got your shopping trip! :)

webb said...

Three cheers for Fe! Hope you gave her a glass (or two?) of wine when you got home.

SurferWife said...

Oh. I had to close my eyes after I read she had poop on her hands and the clothing rtacks were nearby.

I would have passed out from the sheer anxiety of it all.

I thank my stars that my kids don't poop on their hands anymore.

Kristen said...

I am so sorry for your poop experience! I'm one of the mommies who bends down to smell my toddler's hiny - just easier that way. But I guess you don't need to do that when she hands the poop to you! Yikes! That was a funny story, but I'm sure more funny after the fact than it was at the time... said...

Gah! Why do they always want to tell us how big it is? Avery likes to tell me, "THIS ONE'S going to clog the toilet, Mommy!"
Sheesh. In other news, you handled this beautifully. Also, let's get going on that Poop Mommy Support Group. For realz.

nmaha said...

Omg! I think I almost soiled myself laughing....but don't worry I'm a mommy too and I have had the experience of public pooping, though not the personal handout part (thank god)......I also smell my daughter's diapers to check......this is my first time here and I had a ball, will be back for more.

I'm a first time mommy and blogger, so please do come over and give me some tips. You can find me at

KLZ said...

Here is my poop!!

Best quote of the day. Unless it is said to me, of course.


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