I really, really do.
But there are days where all the things I am caught up in - be it family drama, work pressures, the news on the television and all of the social media outlets I am behind on just distract the hell out of me.
So yeah. I love my children.
But I love them in kind of a haze. Like - I look at them and I have this feeling of "God, you are just so freaking cute! I am so blessed!" but at the same time I am thinking that, another part of me is thinking:
"Shoot, did we get the car inspected? Are we late again?"
"Did I get that deliverable out for work? Argghh!!"
"Are John and I supposed to travel at the same time next week? What are we going to do?"
"How much fat was just in that sandwich I scarfed down in less than two minutes?"
"Will my life always feel like I am in running in circles? Is this what it is?
And after all of that - there is a part of me that thinks - and yes - I am not proud - but at the deepest recesses of my mind, I think . . .
"Wow. So this is it, huh?"
And that haze takes over. Sometimes I am good at acknowledging it is there and I recognize the beauty of the words and actions of my children. And sometimes I slow down enough to really REALLY enjoy and savor that moment where none of the noise - all of that discordant bullshit - can really block me just enjoying them for everything they are.
For just that moment.
The thing is - I don't slow down enough to really enjoy or understand how lucky I am to have those moments.
And all of those moments? Well, they seem to be passing me by.
And I get caught up in all the background noise.
Tonight, as I put Shaila to bed, for just a little while, I had a moment of clarity.
I could fib and tell you that I always have clarity when I am with my children, but that would make me a liar. And I think you know where I am going with this, because you know me too well.
Tonight - just for a little while - I couldn't hear the noise.
All that stupid noise.
It hit me like a ton of bricks to the gut. Her breath against my cheek. Her eyes. Her little teeny voice that won't be a little teeny voice before I can even imagine. Her cute little laugh. Her button nose. The way she says "I love you, my mommy."
Those moments are there. Every second of every day.
Maybe I just need to open my eyes a little more before they pass me by.
And so I do not sit here looking back ten years from now, trying to asses where I was today - April 2010 - and being able to vividly recall all of the minutiae of the pressures of work - but with little to no recollection of:
Shaila's sweet little breath as she says, "I miss you, my mommy."
Nico's newfound ability to crawl backwards.
Shaila's love for all Willy Wonka candy.
The feel of their arms around my neck.
I hope they always embrace their moments and don't get caught up in the noise like their mother.
Because I don't know how and when I started thinking it was ok to let so much of my life pass me by.
*******************************************************************
Friends - I know that I have been absent in the land of blogging. I have not been writing. I have not been commenting. I have hardly been able to read any of the writing my friends have been doing out there. Forgive me.
In the midst of life - I have been trying to keep up.
Oh. And I forgot to mention . . .
To capture more of my moments.
XoXo,
Kiran
14 comments:
Friend, this is beautiful!
You need to ignore blogging if you want to because you NEED those moments.
The memory of those moments will get you through tough times.
Good for you, mommy! Bloggyland will always be here. Those moments to treasure with your little ones will not. They are priority.
Though I do miss the crap out of you.
Yes! I don't think there's a mother out there who can't relate to this feeling.
You sit back and take a breath. We'll all be here, and we've all been there.
I am sending you a peachy hug.
Their arms around my neck made me cry. So, good post.
Yep - I know exactly what you mean. I TRY to slow things down in the evening and enjoy the kids, but frankly, they (and a busy life) often make that hard.
But maybe it's because we do only get brief glimpses of noiselessness that we appreciate them so much when they do show themselves.
I feel exactly the same way. It's a daily endeavor to remind myself to stop with the phone and the computer and just sit down and play with my son.
There is no shame in a break from Blogland. We will be here (or taking our own break!) when you get back. Those little moments are what it's really all about. Go relish them as much as you can. xoxo
We all need time out from time to time. Take it when you need it...God knows I did! Life gets on top of us sometimes - I know that better than most and I have no beautiful little cherubs yet.
Love ya!
This post was spot on! It's crazy how fast time flies.
We all need breaks and there is NO SHAME in that, and no need to apologize. So just stop right there, Kiran.
We all understand. Some of us are just more obsessive/addicted. Like, um, me.
It's very sad. Maybe I'll blog about it.
;-)
Hang in there. The chaos ebbs and flows but the stuff you really need to experience is crystal clear. So, go ahead. Experience. The Internet is not going anywhere. (I don't think. Been a little distracted myself.)
And now I'm crying. That was beautiful. I feel harried most of the time too and I really need to stop and take a breath and enjoy these toddler moments...even the tantrums in Target. HA!
I love this. I love how honest it is. How much I can relate to is. Sometimes it really is hard to stop the rest of life from intruding on those moments. I like to tell myself that everyday is one of those moments, but the reality is that sometimes I get so caught up in life that I forget or don't full acknowledge just how special every single second is. This was a much needed reminder and gentle push to start putting everything else aside and start paying more attention. Before all of these moments that I'm not noticing pass me by.
Thank-you for this
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