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Monday, April 5, 2010

Are You There Alyssa Milano? It's Me, Kiran

I have to be honest with you.

Because, I must admit, I am not always so honest.

And, well, it's about time that I freaking come clean.

So . . . I have been reading "Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea?" by the comedic God-DESS Chelsea Handler.

Now, since I am into not lying, I will be honest with you again - I knew who Chelsea was, but did not want to be her BFF until one of my bloggy friends, Surferwife made it her duty to educate me and the rest of the "internets".

Cuz she's good peeps.

But now? Well, I freaking love Chelsea. I wish I could have been at her Bat Mitzvah. I was raised Hindu, but to hell with all that shiz. I am supposed to get reincarnated anyway, and God, what I wouldn't give to be one of Chelsea Handler's Jewish friends from synagogue in my next life.

I'd eat matzohs and kugel with her anyday.

So, in one of her stories, she recalls a time where she tried to impress a boy in her class by telling him she had a starring role in the sequel to Private Benjamin, and she would play Goldie Hawn's daughter.

And so, OBVIOUSLY, well, this reminded me of the time I told everyone in our middle school that I knew Alyssa Milano.

And that we were like, friends.

Pals, really.

I had a real pulse on what might get me some attention at Jonas Salk Middle School.

Cuz lord knows my boobs weren't cutting it for me anytime soon.

The truth is, everyone in the late 80's had a freaking crush on Alyssa Milano. I think even Ricky Martin might have.

Guys in my middle school wanted to do her and girls wanted to be her.

She was the hottest thing since those crazy ass Pound Puppy dolls.

She was a cute chick, a sassy little sweetheart, and a smartass talking Brooklynite. She was a badass - before we even knew what a badass was.

And as much of a badass as I guess you can be when you are co-starring with Judith Light and Tony Danza.

So here was my gig. Brilliant, really.

See? I pretended I had an old friend named Carissa Milano (Yeah - no coincidence that it rhymes with Alyssa), who happened to live in the same town as her cousin Alyssa. Through some diligent research from "Teen Beat Magazine" - I discovered that Alyssa lived in a place called Studio City, California.

Studio City. So exotic.

And so I decided that this exotic little town is where my friend "Carissa" would also hail.

Could I have been any more creative?

So at lunch, I would cough and make lots of noises to attract attention to myself. I just wouldn't burp or fart, because that's just gross. So as I coughed up a lung really loud to cause just the right amount of a commotion, I would whip out my special stationary and act like I was writing the sequel to The Bhagavad Gita.

I would make sure to talk out loud as I wrote these heart felt letters, the words to my old (fake) friend Carissa, spilling from my heart.

Dear Cari,

(She liked to be called Cari. It made her more approachable and gave her a stamp different from Alyssa)

I miss you! How are you? How are things going in Studio City? Are you like, super busy? Hey did you get that part in the Francesco Rinaldi spaghetti sauce commercial. I hope so. I would buy spaghetti sauce if you were in the commercial. I hope your agent can land you the role.

(Did you notice how smooth that was? I was down with the lingo. Agent.)

The other day I was doing something really cool. I forget what it was, but for whatever reason, I thought of that time when you, me and your cousin, Alyssa, did x, y and z. Do you remember that Cari? That was awesome.

I saw "Who's The Boss" last night. I can't believe Sam got a hickey. Tell Alyssa not to be such a ho.

Love ya!
Your best friend,
Kiran

Now - I know it is wrong on so many levels. But sometimes, to survive, we all have to tell a lie or two.

I am also not saying that most of my classmates bought it. But people were too nice to call me out on it. Well, except for that one bitch, Jen - but she moved away in the seventh grade anyway.

Probably to go and ostracize some little Indian girl in another town who told everyone she was friends with Debbie Gibson.

Bitch.

Thanks to you, Alyssa Milano for all the memories. And if you really do have a cousin named Cari, tell her I want my pound puppy back.

xoxo,
Kiran

28 comments:

Vodka Logic said...

Now that deserves 5 martini glasses for sure.
I convinced a kid I was a robot once.

Caroline said...

You were in school. It's the introduction to Darwinism that we all share.

I forgive you.

lacochran said...

My friend used to say: We all went to different schools together.

God, how I can relate. Well done!

And, I had no idea Chelsea was one of the tribe. Huh.

~*Jess*~ said...

LOL. The things we do as kids...

Salt said...

You are so right...I DID want to be Alyssa Milano when I was younger. Actually I still wouldn't mind trading with her for a few days.

I think I can remember making up some ridiculous stories of my own when I was younger.

Chelsea is a genius and that book is hilarious!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

You were so bad! Wish I had thought of something like that....... instead I got married when I was 15! Made myself an oddity, not a celebrity. Ooops.

Sarah said...

That was actually really creative, for you young Kiran. Thanks for bringing me back, too. You are so right. Alyssa Milano was the hottest thing around, for a while. I loved her!

foxy said...

Hahahaha... I made up a boyfriend once. His name was Chris and he lived in a different town and none of my friends ever met him. So dumb.

KLZ said...

I sing a hallelujah chorus every day that I don't have to go back to school. What an awkward time for all of us - I can completely relate to all of this.

The Only Girl said...

Good one! Unfortunately I wasn't creative enough to even think up an idea like this let alone carry it out, so you get full points from me girl! Very impressive.

Newlywed + Unemployed said...

Pound puppies! I probably had a dozen of those!

Can't say I ever made up stories as a kid. Oh! wait - here's one for you: One morning, in homeroom, I totally convinced my teacher that I had joined an intra-school exchange program that moved select kids through different homeroom classes in order to expose them to different students and teaching styles.

In reality, I just wanted to go hang out with my best friend who was in a different homeroom.

I nearly made it to the door, but knew there'd be hell to pay when he figured out I lied. And I didn't want him to look like a fool in the teacher's lounge when he asked everyone else how their student exchanges went - and subsequently made the rest of my year miserable.

Yep, I did that.

Erin said...

That is about twelve kinds of cute! Love this story!
;-)

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

You are amazing. And our lives are more parallel each day. I idolized Alyssa, too. And I, my dear little Indian counterpart, got everyone to believe that Mel Brooks was my uncle. (My maiden name was Brooks)

It's no wonder you and I shoot hearts from our eyes when we look at each other.

MiMi said...

YOU are cute! This is a funny story...I love how you want to, as a Hindu, be reincarnated as a Jewish friend. LOL

SaraPlaysHouse.com said...

OK Confession. I told my middle school peeps that I met Jonathan Brandis (From Seaquest? He sadly killed himself a few years back, but in middle school--he was the shiz) and we totally made out under the boardwalk.
Maybe two people believed me. Or pretended to. I was quite the awkward middle schooler. The end.

Anna See said...

this is hilarious, kiran! so glad you didn't get called out on your little fantasy!

and chelsea? cracks me up!

jessalyn said...

you are brilliant. i am so going to do this.
wait.
is it lame now that i am 29?
whatever. i wasn't clever enough to come up with this when i was younger.

guess what, my best friend is related to jen aniston. her name is jess aniston (partly why we are besties- we have the same name). we visit jen sometimes when we have some free time. jen wants to hang out with us like all the time, but i am too busy.

ok now that i have that story down, i am off to tell surferwife for a celeb encounter story.

i have so missed visiting your blog. tax season needs to take a long walk off a short pier.

<3

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Jess is brilliant, isn't she?

Ruby said...

lol omg really? thats too funny i'm sure people remember you everytime they hear about alyssa milano lol whether it be good or bad your remembered lol

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I love it! All of those well thought out details. You were a total con artist - like that guy from Catch Me if You Can. I would have believed you...

Kim said...

OMG! Hilarious! I love that you even wrote her letters! And that bitch calling you on it, what does she know! How rude, she was totally just trying to steal your thunder!

Sooo I've heard good things about Chelsea for a while now, especially her book, but I think you might be the one who pushes me over the edge and convinces me to read it and accept her into my life!

Sara said...

I think this is totally fair.

I mean, I'm a little gay for Alyssa so I can't judge.

Laffylady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laffylady said...

Hi There...would you like to join in on the fun..come visit my new blog http://livingwithlaughter.com
pick one of your favorite funny posts, past or present and email it to so i can put you on the starring lineup...check it out Id love to have you..!!

T!nK said...

hahahahaha! loves it!

Mandy P said...

Oh man...this is pricless. Really. Friggin' hysterical! LOVE IT!

I'm sure you are waaaaay too busy for this, but I left you an award on my blog...it will post Saturday 4/17. =)

T.J. said...

you caught me- I wanted to be friends with Alyssa, too and I'd rub my troll's hair for luck meeting her, but to no avail :(

Just stopping over from Erin's blog to say hello! :)TJ

Misha said...

Alyssa Milano is The Web’s Most Wanted Alyssa!
(Check your score for your name too.)
More raw data is here.
Baby Names Alert.

 

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