Are You There Alyssa Milano? It's Me, Kiran

I have to be honest with you.

Because, I must admit, I am not always so honest.

And, well, it's about time that I freaking come clean.

So . . . I have been reading "Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea?" by the comedic God-DESS Chelsea Handler.

Now, since I am into not lying, I will be honest with you again - I knew who Chelsea was, but did not want to be her BFF until one of my bloggy friends, Surferwife made it her duty to educate me and the rest of the "internets".

Cuz she's good peeps.

But now? Well, I freaking love Chelsea. I wish I could have been at her Bat Mitzvah. I was raised Hindu, but to hell with all that shiz. I am supposed to get reincarnated anyway, and God, what I wouldn't give to be one of Chelsea Handler's Jewish friends from synagogue in my next life.

I'd eat matzohs and kugel with her anyday.

So, in one of her stories, she recalls a time where she tried to impress a boy in her class by telling him she had a starring role in the sequel to Private Benjamin, and she would play Goldie Hawn's daughter.

And so, OBVIOUSLY, well, this reminded me of the time I told everyone in our middle school that I knew Alyssa Milano.

And that we were like, friends.

Pals, really.

I had a real pulse on what might get me some attention at Jonas Salk Middle School.

Cuz lord knows my boobs weren't cutting it for me anytime soon.

The truth is, everyone in the late 80's had a freaking crush on Alyssa Milano. I think even Ricky Martin might have.

Guys in my middle school wanted to do her and girls wanted to be her.

She was the hottest thing since those crazy ass Pound Puppy dolls.

She was a cute chick, a sassy little sweetheart, and a smartass talking Brooklynite. She was a badass - before we even knew what a badass was.

And as much of a badass as I guess you can be when you are co-starring with Judith Light and Tony Danza.

So here was my gig. Brilliant, really.

See? I pretended I had an old friend named Carissa Milano (Yeah - no coincidence that it rhymes with Alyssa), who happened to live in the same town as her cousin Alyssa. Through some diligent research from "Teen Beat Magazine" - I discovered that Alyssa lived in a place called Studio City, California.

Studio City. So exotic.

And so I decided that this exotic little town is where my friend "Carissa" would also hail.

Could I have been any more creative?

So at lunch, I would cough and make lots of noises to attract attention to myself. I just wouldn't burp or fart, because that's just gross. So as I coughed up a lung really loud to cause just the right amount of a commotion, I would whip out my special stationary and act like I was writing the sequel to The Bhagavad Gita.

I would make sure to talk out loud as I wrote these heart felt letters, the words to my old (fake) friend Carissa, spilling from my heart.

Dear Cari,

(She liked to be called Cari. It made her more approachable and gave her a stamp different from Alyssa)

I miss you! How are you? How are things going in Studio City? Are you like, super busy? Hey did you get that part in the Francesco Rinaldi spaghetti sauce commercial. I hope so. I would buy spaghetti sauce if you were in the commercial. I hope your agent can land you the role.

(Did you notice how smooth that was? I was down with the lingo. Agent.)

The other day I was doing something really cool. I forget what it was, but for whatever reason, I thought of that time when you, me and your cousin, Alyssa, did x, y and z. Do you remember that Cari? That was awesome.

I saw "Who's The Boss" last night. I can't believe Sam got a hickey. Tell Alyssa not to be such a ho.

Love ya!

Your best friend,

Kiran

Now - I know it is wrong on so many levels. But sometimes, to survive, we all have to tell a lie or two.

I am also not saying that most of my classmates bought it. But people were too nice to call me out on it. Well, except for that one bitch, Jen - but she moved away in the seventh grade anyway.

Probably to go and ostracize some little Indian girl in another town who told everyone she was friends with Debbie Gibson.

Bitch.

Thanks to you, Alyssa Milano for all the memories. And if you really do have a cousin named Cari, tell her I want my pound puppy back.

xoxo,

Kiran