Fathers Be Good to Your Daughters . . .

And don't EVER, EVER - EH-VAH (that's the Jersey me coming out) let them date John Mayer.

God, seriously? What A talent! But . . . Oh - you just knew there had to be a but . . . Too bad it's being wasted on a complete D-bag. (Sorry Meredith - I know you're a fan).

I must admit. I had a huge crush on John Mayer when I first learned about him about a decade ago.

I didn't care that he made faces when he was playing that lil old guitar of his.

Faces that made it look like he had been caught doing . . . well . . .

Oops, excuse me. I didn't realize . . .

Origami. Yeah - that's kinda what it looks like he is doing.

Anyhoo.

I get it, though. I get the appeal of ugly men who still can be hot because they are playing a freaking six string and god help us if it doesn't look like he brushed his teeth in 2 days because HOW COULD HE if he wants to play guitar LIKE THAT?!!

A while ago - WAY, WAY before I met John (Hmmm. ok, OK. It was actually in between dating John. We had a teensy break for a bit. More deets on that later, peeps).

I dated a really cute musician.

I was just starting my short lived career as a burgeoning songwriter. And he was hot and reminded me of Rob Thomas from "Matchbox 20" - which was cool, but what was even cooler was how "anti-establishment" he was because he would never, ever, EVER listen to Matchbox 20. Or anything else on the radio.

Which is ironic, because I did. But he was cooler because he didn't.

Yeah. EXACTLY. Makes sense, right?

Oh please - don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.

So I brought my friends Liz and Sang to one of his performances - he had been asked to play the lap steel and lead guitar at another musician's show. (Not at once. He was good. But not THAT good).

So I took my two friends, thinking they would behave and be nice and make a good impression because I had just kinda started dating this guy.

Yeah. GREAT idea.

So - just so you know - the lap steel is not a perverted toy of any sort. It's an instrument. It's like a guitar. But it doesn't have the large body and you hold it in your lap.

And you know. You strum it.

So it looks like you are strumming your lap. You know.

And he was good at it. He was also really great with a guitar, drums and producing music. Like, Carlos Santana good.

But you know how when musicians get really, REALLY into something and then YOU ARE LIKE - WOAH, BUDDY - YOU JUST WENT ALL John Freaking Mayer on me?

Yeah - well - the instrument was in his lap. And he got really, really into it.

Hmm. What can I say? He loved music.

So - there he is on the stage, giving everything he had to those two sets and playing that lap steel like it was the last time he was EVER, EVER going to play lap steel - so help him God.

And of course I look across the row at Liz and Sang - and of course we are RIGHT IN THE FRONT OF THE STAGE and they are both slapping each other, and covering their mouths while LAUGHING OUT LOUD while the guy I am dating is spazzing out on stage all over that steel in his lap.

So neither party made a great impression on the other is my guess.

So the whole thing with John Mayer? I get it. I really do.

I still think he is a d-bag.

XOXO (except YOU - John D-Bag Mayer),
Kiran