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Sunday, March 7, 2010

Fathers Be Good to Your Daughters . . .

And don't EVER, EVER - EH-VAH (that's the Jersey me coming out) let them date John Mayer.

God, seriously? What A talent! But . . . Oh - you just knew there had to be a but . . . Too bad it's being wasted on a complete D-bag. (Sorry Meredith - I know you're a fan).

I must admit. I had a huge crush on John Mayer when I first learned about him about a decade ago.

I didn't care that he made faces when he was playing that lil old guitar of his.

Faces that made it look like he had been caught doing . . . well . . .

Oops, excuse me. I didn't realize . . .

Origami. Yeah - that's kinda what it looks like he is doing.

Anyhoo.

I get it, though. I get the appeal of ugly men who still can be hot because they are playing a freaking six string and god help us if it doesn't look like he brushed his teeth in 2 days because HOW COULD HE if he wants to play guitar LIKE THAT?!!

A while ago - WAY, WAY before I met John (Hmmm. ok, OK. It was actually in between dating John. We had a teensy break for a bit. More deets on that later, peeps).

I dated a really cute musician.

I was just starting my short lived career as a burgeoning songwriter. And he was hot and reminded me of Rob Thomas from "Matchbox 20" - which was cool, but what was even cooler was how "anti-establishment" he was because he would never, ever, EVER listen to Matchbox 20. Or anything else on the radio.

Which is ironic, because I did. But he was cooler because he didn't.

Yeah. EXACTLY. Makes sense, right?

Oh please - don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.

So I brought my friends Liz and Sang to one of his performances - he had been asked to play the lap steel and lead guitar at another musician's show. (Not at once. He was good. But not THAT good).

So I took my two friends, thinking they would behave and be nice and make a good impression because I had just kinda started dating this guy.

Yeah. GREAT idea.

So - just so you know - the lap steel is not a perverted toy of any sort. It's an instrument. It's like a guitar. But it doesn't have the large body and you hold it in your lap.

And you know. You strum it.

So it looks like you are strumming your lap. You know.

And he was good at it. He was also really great with a guitar, drums and producing music. Like, Carlos Santana good.

But you know how when musicians get really, REALLY into something and then YOU ARE LIKE - WOAH, BUDDY - YOU JUST WENT ALL John Freaking Mayer on me?

Yeah - well - the instrument was in his lap. And he got really, really into it.

Hmm. What can I say? He loved music.

So - there he is on the stage, giving everything he had to those two sets and playing that lap steel like it was the last time he was EVER, EVER going to play lap steel - so help him God.

And of course I look across the row at Liz and Sang - and of course we are RIGHT IN THE FRONT OF THE STAGE and they are both slapping each other, and covering their mouths while LAUGHING OUT LOUD while the guy I am dating is spazzing out on stage all over that steel in his lap.

So neither party made a great impression on the other is my guess.

So the whole thing with John Mayer? I get it. I really do.

I still think he is a d-bag.

XOXO (except YOU - John D-Bag Mayer),
Kiran

25 comments:

MiMi said...

Yep, John Mayer IS a d-bag. I had always suspected as much, but the last couple years he's really shown his d-bag-y-ness off.
I LOVE musicians...I swear, even if they're FUGLY, usually, they look hott when strumming the guitar...only I've never seen the lap steel thing. Yikes.

SaraPlaysHouse.com said...

He is a douchebag now, yes. But I really liked him back in the day when the only people I knew who had heard him were my gay BFFs. Gah. Was that ten years ago? Yes. It probably was. Thanks for making me feel old, Kiran.
THANKS A PANT LOAD.

Sarah said...

My friend went to high school with John Mayer. He was, apparently a total douche bag even then! And mean, too. I do admit that I like musicians, though. My husband plays the guitar and sings. He's quite far from a musician. Still makes me swoon, though!

Amanda said...

I super duper love this post. There is something about musicians. I *dated* (ha!) one for a short period of time back in college. He was a drummer. Who before he was a drummer was a law school student. Then dropped out of law school so he could make stupid faces while he drums. So I also get it! The things we do for love.

Anna See said...

oh my goodness! i just loved your description in this post. you crack me up, girl!

i agree about john. ick. unfortunately, ick.

Masala Chica said...

And perhaps we should also reaffirm that I am team mamacita all the way. But as a result of this, I am team jennifer and team jessica and anyone else he has crossed. d-ass.
Kiran

singedwingangel said...

ZOk see I don't care HOW wonderfully talented you are if you act like that I refuse to listen to you. period...

Karls said...

Oh I know what you are talking about! I am a music snob from way back... dated a jazz pianist for a while there (he listened to Matchbox 20 and I would never!). So, I'm picking up what your putting down - kind of in reverse? Does that make me a d-bag?

Mandeek @ 4 Quarters of Me said...

"ZOk see I don't care HOW wonderfully talented you are if you act like that I refuse to listen to you. period..."
@Singedwingangel: I am with you there!!!

I have stopped listening/watching a friggin fist full of celebs b/c of their behavior!

Vodka Logic said...

Put me in the mamacita team too.. JM is a douche bag of large preportions and I don't like his music either.. well maybe two or three songs. If I hear Your Body is a Wonderland again I may go all postal on some body..

Great post, great laugh

Rebekah said...

I started to hate John Mayer when he wrote that repulsive lyric about a bubblegum tongue in "Your Body Is A Wonderland". Gag! I kind of hoped he would grow up and be awesome after he ran through the hall of his high school and all that but...um...no.

Salt said...

John Mayer is so gross and that Body is a Wonderland song makes my skin crawl whenever I hear it.

He is most definitely doing origami in that photo. That a face that has "paper cranes" written all over it.

Nicole Renee said...

Love your blog, very funny!

Ams said...

Haha You crack me up!!
And I agree - musicians can be HOT but really, when you're an idiot like him - no excuses!!

Amy said...

UGH! The ego on John Mayer is enough to make me puke up my lunch! I know a lot of people don't like Jessica Simpson...personally, I think she's adorable. Whatever your opinion it's pretty crappy he spewed all their sex secrets to playboy. SUCH.A.DOUCHE.

foxy said...

You know, I have to say I'm not really a John Mayer hater. I can see why ppl think he's a Dbag, but he still writes/sings/plays some damn good bluesy music. And even though he's kind of a slutty boy, i still think he's kind of cute.... even with his crazy guitar faces. He reminds me of Dave Matthews with those faces. :)

Hey - i have a little something for you over at my place! yay!

blueviolet said...

Find me the person who doesn't think he's a d-bag. I dare ya!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Alright. So, you probs could aready guess, but, I would totally be one of your friends who would be covering my mouth and slapping my cohort.

Liz and Sang sound like my kinds of peeps.

Oh, but only back then. I only behaved like that way back when I was immature. I'm so totally mature now.

meredith said...

hahah... okay, okay, IN REAL LIFE, he is a bit (okay, a LOT) of a douche bag, but i LOVE his music. i can't watch him perform live. i mean i can't look at his face. it ruins it for me. and for those of you who haven't read his interview in rolling stone a couple months back, read it. you will hate him more after.

Shandal said...

John M IS gross! I've never had a "thing" for musicians though. I'm more of a fan for an athletic type of guy.

Hutch said...

As much as I think he needs a personality coach, I LOVE his music. I try to hate him for the douchebaggery he spews all over the tabs, but I just can't. That said I saw him once live and once was enough for me, I'll stick to listening through the ipod and pandora.

Allyson said...

I'm with Foxy...I'm not a Mayer Hater...I just don't "get" it...I don't think I could ever look up from the bottom at that face and think "oh YES! I landed the KING of hawtness." Yeah..no. But then, I also really, REALLY heart Jack Nicholson so maybe not listen to me. I obviously have a thing for men in Kangol hats with Viagra in their pockets. (which is way, WAY sexier than THAT face...just sayin')...

~Shelley~ said...

This was funny! I do like his music...but cannot watch him sing :)

Just wanted to visit you and say that I really enjoyed meeting you at Bloggy Boot Camp! I had a great time and learned SO MUCH! Still trying to figure out what I'm going to incorporate into my blog...my head is still swimming from all the info!

~Shelley

T!nK said...

John Mayer is a HUGE D-Bg.

Dianna@KennedyAdventures said...

thumbs down on musicians --- my exhusband is one. Why do they always think they are the Gift to women??
Loved this post, and have laughed about it for days!

 

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