Butt of Course

One of the thing I hate doing more than ANYTHING as a mother is taking my children's temperature.

Rectally.

Yuck.

I'm pretty sure my kids feel the same way I do. See Exhibit A below.

Exhibit A

Not because I don't love them and their little itty bitty bums - but because I feel like I am always going to inadvertently hurt them or they will poop on me in the process.

I had one of those fancy ear thermometers that some of my friends got for me at my baby shower, but it was not nearly as accurate. The nurse at Shaila's Doctor's office would look at me like I was a moron when I would bring Shaila in with a fever and told her how I came about reading my child's temperature.

Apparently, good mothers know that "butt is best."

Hmmm. That sounds really perverted.

Context, everybody.

CONTEXT.

About a month ago, Shaila's forehead felt kind of warm, so I took her upstairs to go about this not so pleasant task. As my daughter looked up at me, old enough where she no longer is cool with me clumsily sticking things up any crevices, I realized she was probably like:

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?"

And rightly so. Remember that later in life too Shaila - it's not cool for ANYBODY to get anywhere NEAR your crevices. Especially the captain of the football team.

ESPECIALLY the captain of the football team.

Even if he looks like Exhibit B.

Exhibit B

All crevices are SACRED until you are at least 25.

Not that she said that. What she said was:

"Mommy, whatcha doing?"
"Taking your temperature, baby," beads of sweat dripping onto her changing table.
"Oh!!! Taking my tem-pa-chur. Co-oo-ool!" Everything is cool to Shaila. I positioned the thermometer.
Mayday.
"Hey Mommy!? Why are you sticking something up my hi-nee?" now looking at me like I was a nut.

Suffice to say, she didn't think it was cool anymore.

Neither did I, so we were in complete agreement, which is very, very rare in our household.

So, when my friend Jen told me about this wonderful gadget, I was over the moon. Finally, the answer to my prayers! See Exhibit C.

Exhibit C

It's the Exergen Temporal thermometer. It's like a magic wand. You just press the button and slide it over the forehead really fast and it gives you your baby's temperature.

This thing is a gift from God.

I know, I KNOW. So are my children.

But THIS is MUCH, MUCH quieter!

I tested it on me and John when I first got it and chased him around the house for a week, taking his temperature.

"Will you get away from me? What are you doing?" he would push me away, exasperated and wondering how he ended up with this crazy woman.
"I am just making sure it's consistent."

I could tell the only thing he thought was consistent was how crazy his wife was. Day in and day out.

You can count on me, John!

Any - hooooooooo.

So, for any mothers who were feeling the same way as me about that awful awful task, please take comfort in the fact that:

a) You are not a freak of nature. Other mothers hate sticking things up their babies' butts too! (At least this mama does)
b) There is an answer out there. And no, I don't work for the company that makes these.

Now, I can take my kids' temperatures as many times in a day as I want. And their diapers stay on.

Awesome.

This public service message has been brought to you by a woman who has had no sleep in over three months, and admittedly has lost sight of her better judgment, so if you think she is cuckoo for recommending this, please go on about your business and keep sticking things up your babies' butt. She would not want to interfere with that joyous task. If you DO want to buy it, this mommy found the best deal was at Amazon, but feel free to look around as well.