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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Beer Goggles Make the World a Better Place

Oh where, oh where have my beer goggles gone
Oh where, oh where can they be?
They make sh$@ look like roses and so much more,
Oh where, oh where can they be?
-Kiran @ 2 in the morning

Everybody has heard of the phenomenon called "Beer Goggles." This phenomenon, similar in magnitude to the Aurora Borealis, occurs when somebody has consumed enough alcohol to make an unattractive person look like a "10" by the time the bartender announces it's closing time. If you are unfamiliar with how this works because you have never found yourself wearing beer goggles, it goes something like this:

beer gogglesExample of what too much beer can do to good peeps

Just so YOU know. This has NEVER, ever happened to me. And John told me it never happened to him either. And we, my friends, run a household based on trust. So, just for the record, we have both just "heard" about it from "other" people. You know. "Friends."

And anyone who could possibly corroborate otherwise has(will) die(d) from unnatural causes.
How sad.

In our household, we have quite a different phenomenon occurring.

The night starts out something like this:
Nico, sometime mid-evening

Shaila, auditioning as a stand-in for Shirley freaking Temple

And all is good in the world.

I look at John with a big smile on my face and say, "Aren't we lucky?"

And he turns to me and we share a happy smile and say really self-satisfied things like, "Hey, maybe we'll do this AGAIN?" ( Cuz aren't they just so freaking cute and they just changed my benefits package at work, so what the heck?) and "We did good."

We then high five and go back to watching shows on our DVR and ignoring each other.


But that's when our well rehearsed Brady Bunch moment ends.

Because sometime around 2 AM, things start to get a little hazy. I would even say that they start to take a turn for the worse. We are usually awakened by something that bears a slight "resemblance" to our children, but really looks like this:

Shaila, with her little horns starting to come out.
(Grandma thought they would be feathers. THAT I could have handled. Read This.)

And my little Angel Nico is no more. He has been replaced by his counterpart, Judas.

And while both of my children seem to have generally, absolutely zero interest in the other, at this point in the night, they are:


Which is really ALL MY FAULT, because I wanted them to start interacting more.

Then they decide to let ALL HELL let loose in our house.

First, Nico cries. I settle him down and start crawling back to bed.
"Hey, Mommy, I can't find my Passy*." Shaila. Ok. Retrieve, settle her back down and crawl back to bed.
Then Nico cries again. Ignore. But then I feel bad. So I get up again.
Get him settled. Crawl back into bed. Oh sorry, I crawled into the toilet.
Too tired.
Dry off and crawl back to bed.
"Hey, Mommy, I'm not sleepy. I want to watch Barney." Shaila. Miss Obedient her self.

But this time, when she says it, it doesn't sound like "I want to watch Barney."

Instead, it sounds like she is hissing at me and saying "I'm GOING TO SUCK ALL THE LIFE OUT OF YOU, Muther Dear. He he. Ha Ha Ha." with a nice demon laugh thrown in.

It's now 4 AM. And my colluding, manipulative children now look like this:

Shaila, laughing (oh ha ha ha) at me at 4 AM

Nico most closely resembles the scary boy in the back
At this point, John will step in and try to calm down one and I will get the other settled in. As we pass each other in the hall, I could almost swear that Nico just gave Shaila a high five and I am PRETTY SURE she just winked at him and muttered "suckers" under her breath, but it's late and I don't know what reality is anymore.

By 5 in the morning, I have usually reached new heights of delirium from exhaustion and at this point, it is no holds barred. It is official. My children have left the building and have been replaced by these little nightmares whose sole goal is to ensure that I can not have one, JUST ONE, uninterrupted REM cycle for crying out f!$%#ing loud.

Shaila and Nico being expressive at 5 AM

So I don't know what is going on here. What have they named this phenomenon for when your kids look uglier and uglier as the night goes on, to possibly regain "some" (just a teeny bit of) cuteness when the first sun comes out? I think beer goggles could help, but I lost mine a LONG LONG time ago.

Wouldn't it be great if, similar to beer goggles, the lack of sleep and rest made our children look increasingly more beautiful with every REM cycle that is forever lost to us?

Oh REM, I miss you.

And I don't mean the band.

If someone could invent those kinds of goggles, my kids would be Cindy Crawford and Taye freaking Diggs right now.

It's just an idea. Brookstone should get on that.

* short for pacifier


Anna See said...

Oh my goodness. This is hilarious! High-fiving each other? What an image. No idea for the kid goggles name, but I've been where you are and it is TOUGH.

Masala Chica said...

Thanks Anna - Happy Thanksgiving to you! I have great hopes to be past this hurdle sometime in the next 5 years ;-)

Glennon said...

girl. love it love it. you are REALLY funny!!!!


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