Mommies Talk Gay

I have read quite a few blog posts from the "Mommy Blog" community lately (Yeah, I guess I count as one of those) about homosexuality in our society - be it around advocacy of gay marriage, dealing with the possibility of gay children, worrisome cross dressing tendencies in pre-school aged children and surrounding yourselves with "like-minded" people to ensure your kids don't catch that nasty bug called homosexuality, which apparently, is going around.

There are three posts which stick out to me the most, and probably represent some of the spectrum of opinions on this.

The Right Thing to Do?

My friend Sara - from Sara Plays House - wrote a great guest post over at Scarymommy (a fantastic blog by Jill Smokler) a few weeks ago, probably one which I could relate to the most. I guess its no secret from the content of some of my posts that I am left-leaning and Sara and I share many of the same views. In addition to wanting equality for homosexual members of society, she further explains why she feels so strongly, almost viscerally, in advocating for gay marriage rights. There are several reasons, but ultimately, it comes down to the following.

What if my own child is gay? How do I want and expect that this child be treated?

In the end Sara says, you should support gay rights "because it's the right thing to do."

I'll get back to that later.

Like-Mindedness . . .

Scarymommy offered a counter-argument to this post through the voice of Gretchen, aka Texan Mama, who wrote an eloquent response around her choice of role models for her own conservative, Christian family. While I appreciate her wonderful writing style and the truthfulness in which she shared her opinion, I was a bit disturbed by the following quote on why she has issues with her child having a teacher who is a lesbian.

"I want to surround them with people who are like-minded with us. I want to provide my children with positive role models who practice and support our value system."

Let's table that one for now as well.

Pretty in Pink

It's likely that you have seen the post by Nerdy Apple Bottom which went viral, spiraling her readership from a few dozen to millions of readers in a matter of days called "My Son is Gay" and explaining how she supported her son's decision to dress up as the folically gifted Daphne from Scooby Day for Halloween and the reactions it garnered as a consequence.

While there was an immense amount of support for this woman, and the way she addressed her son's choice of Halloween costumes, there was an equal amount of vitriol and criticism of her parenting, her response to the parents who criticized her and her subsequent decision to blog about it.

If you have read Masala Chica in the past, you probably know which camp I fall into . . .

Here's some masala . . .

So this is where I put it out there. Again, this goes back to my post the other day - I don't write this blog anonymously. But I think if you know me in real life, you know that I feel this way anyway. If you don't like my lack of a filter the past few days, I totally am ok with you "unliking" this little Chica on Facebook so I don't litter your Facebook feed.

It's all good.

I don't care if my kids tell me they are gay at some point in this life.

Allow me to clarify. It's not because I don't care about them or I discount the challenges that it will raise for them. It doesn't mean that I will not worry or care about that aspect of their life. I know that life will undoubtedly present a harder path for them if that is where their hearts take them, but life is challenging.

When I say I "don't care," I mean that it will not change - ever change - any aspect of my love for them.

Growing up as a minority, in a predominantly homogeneous region of New Jersey, I know what some types of challenges are. Growing up with an Indian family, much of whom live back home still in India below poverty levels, even for that country, I know of other challenges as well - some of which my own children will never know or understand.

Race. Religion. Handicaps. Poverty. And yes, sexual orientation.

People deal with challenges every day. It's what makes us INDEFINABLY us. It's what makes the people who can succeed despite challenges like these that much more special.

So how would I EXPECT the world to treat my child if my child was gay? To be honest, my expectations are low. But I know that I would embrace my own child without any hesitation - and that, as a mother is all I will allow myself to expect.

In Sara's post, she ended her post with the assessment that you should support gay rights because it is the right thing to do. While it is "right" for me, I also understand that for some people and their way of thinking, be it founded on religious ideals, a subscription to their doctrine on societal norms - that they may not embrace this as "right."

I don't agree with those people. I will most likely never be able to change their minds.

I probably would not have been able to change people's minds about desegregating schools and water fountains in the 1950s. Some society norms and "like-mindedness" have nothing to do with normalcy, morality or values.

And no I am not saying people who are against gay rights are racists too. My point is that standards within a society are not always "right." And that feelings on these lie deeper than the surface for most people, and have been built on a foundation of an individual's own "truth" that has likely been shaped over a lifetime.

The reason I had such a problem with Texan Mama's response in "On Being Gay" is her supposition that "like-mindedness" with those she surrounds her children with will support their "value system."

Why, oh WHY do I have such a problem with this?

Because "being gay" is not a value. It's not a moral code. It's a sexual orientation - one which one does not necessarily choose. Just like you can't choose to be born black or white or brown.

Blue eyed or brown eyed. Left handed versus right handed (though I know of parents who have tried to "train" their kids out of that as well)

Gay is not taught. Ask parents who have tried to "teach the gay" out of their kids.

Heck - ask Dick Cheney.

As parents, we teach our children a moral code that encompasses what we hope will shape them into amazing individuals and true contributors to this society. That code is not going to be compromised whether they are straight or gay.

I mean seriously, is one of the values you teach your children to lust after members of the opposite sex?

I guess every family is different, so maybe you are teaching them that. Who knows?

I know a**holes who are straight. I know a**holes who are gay.

As long as my kids end up on the other side of the spectrum from those a***holes, gay OR straight, we're in business on the whole values thing.

One of the most basic values that my children will have though, if I get this whole parenting thing right at some point, is honesty. If they can't embrace who they are on every level, they will never be fulfilled. And if I set them up to live a live unfulfilled, a life where they must live a lie - then I have failed them.

And I could never bear that.

The idea of supporting gay rights because of the possibility that my own children might be gay isn't why I believe in gay rights either. If my kids end up hardened criminals or thieves (if we REALLY screw up that whole value system thing again), it does not mean I will support those decisions or start a prison fund for them. I mean, I might. They are my kids. But that's different.

Because we are talking about the difference between the lack of values and what is just a state of who they are - not a decision point.

I think regardless of where my kids choose to go, with the partners they choose in life -I hope that they select a partner who can reciprocate in equal parts - love, respect, honesty, passion for life, family and each other.

That is what I care about. If my daughter ends up with a man who does not respect her or foster her desire to grow, it will devastate me. If my son ends up with a woman who does not respect him or whom he does not respect in return, I will be so saddened.

I just wish them love.

A life fulfilled.

And I am there for them every step of the way.

Note: thanks to these lovely women whose ideas I did share here today which inspired this piece. Links to each of their posts were interspersed throughout this post, but if you would like to read each, here they are again.

Sara, Sara Plays House - On Gay Marriage
Gretchen, Texan Mama - Is Gay Ok?
Nerdy Apple Bottom - My Son is Gay

Kiran