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Friday, December 30, 2011

Let There Be Light

As we approach the new year, I am sitting in a shadow of darkness.

For you see, there once was a girl I knew who could walk into a room and smile a smile so bright that it would light up the darkest corners within. A girl who would laugh with such abandon that you couldn't help but laugh with her, whether or not she let you in on the joke. A beautiful brunette who radiated an enormous amount of self-awareness and confidence within the petite package of a cute, bubbly teenage American girl.

A girl who liked Taylor Swift and hanging out with her friends. A girl who was an amazing, incredible soccer player.

A kick-ass sister.

A wonderful daughter.

And I thought she was a pretty rocking niece.

Today, just a few hours ago, we received a phone call telling us that this beautiful, lovely, amazing girl is gone.

She made a decision that I cannot bear to think of.

The finality of it seems so unfair.

My husband, John and I, along with a shattered sea of family is sitting wherever we are tonight, some far - some near from each other. All asking questions that don't have easy or immediate answers, not wanting to believe that this is true. We all feel the sharp stabbing of pain that makes it harder to breathe as we realize that the aftershock of this quake will be felt for the rest of our lives.

I know that I for one keep thinking that this is just a bad dream. Just knowing that there will not be another time, another day where we see that smile is almost too much to bear.

I don't know if her parents and step-parents will ever find the answers they will need. I don't know if life or death ever fulfills that need for us. But I know that they will always honor that sweet girl, the one with the heartbreaking smile and the heart of gold.

I know her brother and sister will mourn her but will also still hear the sound of her infectious laughter somewhere in their hearts every day of their lives.

I didn't have the chance to say it, but how I wish I could have said the following words to her as we spoke at Thanksgiving as she lovingly threw her younger cousins in the air.

You are so loved. You are precious to so many people in ways that you do not yet understand. The joy you bring to the lives of others is immeasurable and the joy you will experience in life is something that you cannot yet comprehend.

You are strong. Stronger than you think. You have people who will hold you up and catch you if you fall. You just need to let them.

You are cherished. Your smile. Your heart. Your mind. Your laugh.

Just you.

You are worth so much more than the problems you have today. Your pain is real and pain will undoubtedly be there in life. But if you don't know pain, you won't understand what true elation is on those moments that I know you have ahead of you. The ones where you soar. The ones where you catch your dreams. The ones where you leap from great heights and land with a grace you don't even see in you yet.

A grace that we all can see and know will only grow with time.

You are a blessing.

Just you.

And you're perfect.

I am still not able to make sense of what is happening right now, but for now I just want to get to the point where breathing doesn't hurt. Please pray for her parents and sister and brother, stepbrothers and sisters.

They got to see that light every day and it will be hard for their eyes and their hearts to adjust to the sudden dimness that overtook the brightness.

We love you, angel. We loved you on earth and we will love you in Heaven. Everyone who loved you will learn to be strong but don't ever stop shining that light down on them.

RIP, sweet Amanda.



AshliAGMG said...

Wow, Kiran... I don't know what to say --- I am so sorry for your family's loss and you will be in my thoughts during this incredibly sad and difficult time. Hold one another close, and take care. Big hugs.

SurferWife said...

I'm speechless. I'm so, so sorry, Kiran. You and your family are in my thoughts.

nana carmical said...

Kiran and John, so very sorry for your loss. Your words are so beautiful, they are a tribute to Amanda and her family. I felt the beauty of Amanda's spirit in your words; I know they will bring comfort to her family. Moving forward after death is an everyday struggle. Sometimes it feels it might be easier to give up but the challenge is to move forward for those that count on us each day and in honor of those we have lost. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love you.

webb said...

Kiran, there is nothing I can say; no way to feel your pain or loss. But I can wrap you in a huge Sisterly (but virtual) hug and tell you that you are special, you are loved, you are strong and that lightness will come again... but it will take a while.

WATCH. and love.

Christine Wilson said...

I am so sorry Kiran! I have been rocked by the horrible loss and sadness that suicide brings too many times. I hope you and your family can again see light in the new year.

Masala Chica said...

Sisters - thanks so much for the kind words and your thoughts. I appreciate them and hope that your energy washes over Amanda's presence. Please pray for her parents and siblings at this time for loving her, being amazing family and missing her more than any words can ever give justice to. Much love to you all...


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