Just. Fine.

Authentic.

It's something I try to be, but sometimes I fail miserably.

To truly be authentic, you have to not care about what people think, not care about how they might judge you, not care about how people perceive your words.

I think of being authentic as just being me.

But the reality is that it's hard to truly be "authentic." Its hard to reconcile that I do care what people think, I do care how I might be judged and I do want my words to matter.

There are days when I write. And I re-write. And I backspace. And I edit.

And then I dump the piece I wrote or just keep it for myself.

I think, nobody wants to read that. Nobody cares to know that. And having an internet persona does not mean that you shouldn't have some boundaries. Right? I think. After all, we all have lives outside of blogging or social media - lives that are not made solely of ourselves, but friends, co-workers, family that all may have to deal with our need to be authentic.

But its not just about writing. It's about how we represent ourselves everyday.

Authenticity is rarely what you see on Facebook. It's rarely what you can uncover in that meal you are having with your girlfriends after finally making time for a girl's night out after four months before you all rush back home to relieve the babysitter. It's generally not in the automatic response that comes to our mouths so often when we are asked how we are:
"I'm fine."

Like an automaton, I find that the words, "just. fine." are how I feel I need to often justify my existence. I have family I love. I am well-fed, clothed, educated, and have more opportunities in this life than most people will ever see.

So I should be fine, right? Why should I take that opportunity, even when its from a friend to say something like the following?

"Well, damnit, it's been a freaking shitty, shitty month. Something is breaking in our house every day and I don't know what is going on with the kids, they have both been acting up so much sometimes lately and oh, my god, I just feel like there are days I want to yell and kick and scream and be like, leave me alone people! And there is other stuff going on, but I don't feel like I can talk about it so I am holding it all inside and one day soon, I will most likely release all that pent up anger and snap when the kids are watching an episode of 'Bubble Guppies'. Cuz that's how I roll these days, damnit!"

But I don't. And I won't.

So I say,

"I'm doing just fine."

There are days where I realize that what I say is often not very real. It's far from authentic. It's far from true. And maybe those days, I truly don't feel that way at all.

"I'm fine!"
"I'm great!"

And then I smile and change the subject.

It would be one thing to say that you don't need to share everything with the internet community, be it 5 or 5000 readers you have daily. But its another thing when you realize that you have trouble being real with the people you love most.

Authentic.

Sometimes I fear being authentic. I feel like when I play the part everyone wants me to play, everybody is much happier. Why rock the boat?

The reality is, the people who really matter, want us to be true to ourselves. I'd like to think that anyway.

I mean, unless you're a total asshole. Then maybe you can just try and pretend just a teeny bit. Just like, that much.

Here is to trying to be more authentic.

And for everyone who has ever felt just a tinge of jealousy when looking at an old friend's profiles on Facebook, here is a thought to make you feel a tad bit better.


Namaste,
Kiran

Does Heaven Show Up in Your GPS?

Today is a day that will forever hold a place in my heart.

Last year on this day, we lost a boy that we cared about very much. His name was Declan Black Carmical. He had a brain tumor that was detected when he was 4 months old and he lived the remainder of his life mostly separated from his twin brother, undergoing surgical procedure - one after the other. He often had treatments or surgeries on the same day.

Somehow through it all, his smile never went away. He continued to brave the pain and if you have followed his journey, you will see how often we continued to be blessed by his smile, his quiet laughter and the uncanny awareness that shown vividly behind those gorgeous blue eyes.
As Sherri posted in her blog today (please read to understand the strength of this family), there are so many images we can cling to. Images of bandages and open wounds, of the never ending tubes or the dire warnings that they continued to receive from doctors, who were unprepared to customize treatment for Declan because they just didn't know how. Pediatric cancer is often a black hole and there have been so few advances that can protect us the next time a "Declan," or a "Taylor," or an "Evan" is diagnosed.

Last night, I was putting my four year old, Shaila to bed. She wanted to know if we could do some special things like go to the mall, go to the pool, paint the house pink and have her imaginary unicorn over for dinner the next day.

You know, normal things.

I explained that today we would be working a large part of the day on getting our street prepared to honor Declan and give everybody a place to pay their respects to him. We would have lots and lots of balloons, lots of artwork and places for people to write their special messages to Declan.

A tribute, not a mourning. Though the lines are blurry for all of us on this.

The following conversation was one I really didn't know how to steer.

Shaila: Mommy, remember last year when we released all those balloons? Those were all for Declan right?

Me: Yes, Shaila - those were for Declan, so he could see them from Heaven and know we were sending them to him.

Shaila: Mommy, is Declan a baby?

Me: Well, Declan was a baby. And then God decided he needed Declan's company to be one of his angels. Declan is with God now.

Shaila: Is he still a baby? Or does he look more like Cole now? (Cole is Declan's twin brother).

Me: I'd like to think he looks the way God wants to keep him, and of course he has wings. Yes, he has wings. (This is really not my territory, people. I am feeling like a complete impostor on my theology lesson.)

Shaila: Mom, I want to go visit Declan in Heaven. How far is it?

Me: It's a lifetime away.

Shaila: Is that farther than South Africa?

Me: It depends on the length of your life and your mode of transportation. But yes, it is much farther than South Africa.

Shaila: Mommy, I miss Declan. I can go hug Cole, but its not the same.

Me: You SHOULD hug Cole. And you can send your hugs and kisses to Declan every day. Just look up at Heaven and know he can see and hear.

(Please note: I am neither a religious person, nor am I any expert on theology, however, I felt this was the best way to respond last night. If you have better ideas on what to communicate to your children, I would love your advice)

The Carmicals are taking everything one day at a time. One step at a time. There is so little that I often feel like I can do. But can't we get them to the lead in the Vivint challenge so that they have this one victory, one that would mean so much the day after Cole and Declan's birthday?

Please, please, please - gosh I will beg and ask for this favor tirelessly. Please vote - www.vote4acure.com. Please ask all your friends. Please ask your neighbors, your church members, your family, your entire Facebook community.

Last year, when the Carmicals were going through this nightmare, thousands of supporters on the "Declan's Journey" blog and fan page asked "What can we do?"

There were thousands of people asking.

And we are struggling to get a thousand people to vote a day.

Please, remember what you felt the day you offered that help. Of course we move on, of course we get a little less teary as the days pass. But the Carmicals are not asking for money. They are not asking you to run 50 miles.

Just click on the vote button, every day. Now until the 27th.

www.vote4acure.com.

So humbly asking you.

Love,
Kiran

Baby Declan Carmical 08/26/09-08/18/10

Before I say anything. blast this. Would you?

(glad i got that out. Clearing my throat to be polite now)

Dear All,

It's crazy to think its been a year. A year of sadness. Of rebuilding. Of re-prioritizing.

A year of inspiration as we have seen an amazing family who has touched us all take something SO, SO hard and turn it into an opportunity.

An opportunity to help us all comprehend that we have to do more, to recognize how precious life is.

(Am I projecting? Doubtful. I think you all know what I mean).

How many of you can say that you don't look at things and nuisances just a little bit differently? How many of you can say that there haven't been nights where you hugged your kids that much harder? Because they CAN be a pain in the ass. Because you have the privilege of them pissing you off. And giving you deepest sense of contentment as their arms wrap around your neck before you put them to night.

Because they ARE there. In their glory, in their honesty, in there very being.

Thursday night marks the one year anniversary of Declan Carmical's passing. To say that it was premature is an understatement.

To say that his passing hasn't changed the way many of us look at the world, our children, OUR lives is an greater understatement.

Let us honor Declan. Let us honor the Carmicals. Let us honor every child who can't BE while our children ARE. Life turns on a dime. We have to care.

Please come out friends and family.

Here's what's going down on the 18th:

1) At 6 PM, Thursday the 18th - we will all meet on Withers Grove Court, Ashburn VA.

2) Parking should be plentiful on Ridgeway but if you are here early - there will be space on Withers Grove Court.

3) Please wear Yellow (Pediatric Cancer colors) and/or Blue. When Declan passed, we released yellow & blue balloons and wore blue ribbons so it is a symbol of what we remember. If its a Journey 4 a Cure shirt or Declan's Journey shirt - that is great. Get creative!!

What do you need to bring?:

1) Your love

2) Your support

3) Your hope

4) Your encouragement to the Carmicals and families who have to face this.

Basically - just you, your family and your hearts.

What will we be doing?:

1) Our neighborhood will be decorated by the children of our street to mark their love of Declan. If you would like your children to participate, or would like to help yourself, at 2 PM, we will begin blowing up hundreds of blue and yellow balloons (not for immediate release, but to decorate the street).

2) We ask you to think about what you would like to say to Declan, or to the Carmicals. There will be something for you to sign to commemorate your participation, support and love, which none of the families affected by pediatric cancer take for granted.

3) Bring your creativity and love.

4) After everyone writes there individual messages to the Carmicals and/or Declan, you will be given a balloon. It is your choice to release or not. There is beauty in either and all we want is your presence and love.

What won't be there?:

Because we don't yet know how many people will be attending, organizing food, beverages, etc. will be a challenge. We encourage everyone to come with drinks for you, your children and snacks. Once we begin festivities at 6, we expect everything to "wrap" by 7 PM.

THANK YOU.

For being part of this journey.

What if you don't live near us in Ashburn, VA?

Please put together a similar event. Wherever you are. However large or small.

If you can't do that, please say a prayer for the children of the world who don't know what opportunity is because they hear the word "cancer" so young.

Say a prayer that no child should ever, ever, EVER have to comprehend those words.

We CAN stop this.

VOTE FOR A CURE

Every day from NOW until August 27th.

Look - I don't care if you are worried about putting too much "noise" in your facebook feed.

You can vote EVERY day without reaching into your wallet.

You can help find a cure for pediatric cancer.

You CAN educate friends. You REALLY, REALLY can.

Please.

For Declan.

Love,

Kiran Ferrandino

(on behalf of the Carmicals and the extended family on Withers Grove Court)

(Who am I? an overzealous friend and neighbor of the Carmicals - in case you were wondering ;-)