It's . . . Complicated

Ok. Big, BIG revelation.

I am addicted to the "Housewives of Beverly Hills."

I take that BACK.

Delete, Delete, Delete.

I am addicted to the whole entire "Housewives" enterprise developed by Bravo.

You can judge me.

Oh, you can judge me.

But where else can I get that kind of unmitigated drama? Where else can I see women pulling each others' weaves out ? (Double Whammy - NJ AND Atlanta) Where else can I see a woman out her own sister for being an alcoholic on national television (coincidentally, in the season finale - way to end with a bang) and telling that same sister that she is dead to her? (Beverly Hills) Where else can I see how the other half live in mansions that could fit my entire neighborhood into the back garden? ( part of Orange County, ALL of Beverly Hills, a little bit of NJ, some of NY and some of Atlanta)

It's an unadulterated guilty pleasure. And sometimes, it's not such a pleasure - I admit that too. It can be almost painful. But for whatever reason, I have been sucked in.

In the season finale of the "Housewives of Beverly Hills," I was so disgusted - absolutely mortified, actually - when I saw the behavior of one of the women, Kyle Richards - as she verbally attacked her older sister, Kim Richards, who sat there in tears. She announced on national television that her sister was "sick" and had an alcohol problem. They are both aunts to Paris and Nikki Hilton - and both were child actresses.

(Where am I going with this post? This is not a Masala Chica-esque post, you might be thinking).

And you're right. I usually don't talk about what a jackass I am and the stupid shit I watch in the moments of free time which I have.

But I sat there and completely judged this woman.

How could she? I thought.

And then something happened to me this past weekend . . . .

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My parents had come to visit from New Jersey for the weekend. I was stressed. I wanted to see them, but so many things were running through my head.

1) I had just returned from a business trip.
2) I had to turn around on Sunday and do it all over again in another city.
3) My family missed me. And I missed them. And I was really dreading the trip away.
4) My parents would be leaving for India shortly after my visit. Neither of them is in the best health and it has been weighing on me - the time away and the stress it might place on them.
5) Work is stressing me out.

It was all so freaking overwhelming and it was really messing me up.

On Saturday morning, my mom did something that annoyed me. Not really a big deal, but it pissed me off.

And this is the part where I am just so ashamed. More ashamed than about the fact that I watch the "Housewives" series (which you know means that I am pretty mortified).

My mother did something that upset me which I could have normally handled. However, with two kids screaming in the background, me trying to make up for weeks of laundry that had been left undone, and the heavy guilt that was weighing on me that I was going to be gone AGAIN - something in me snapped.

It just freaking snapped.

I found myself being downright nasty. Telling my mother how she should have handled this differently and how I couldn't count on her to support me.

Terrible, terrible things really.

And the reality was - that what I was saying had little, if anything to do with what just happened that set me off in the first place.

I can attribute it to stress from a situation I sometimes feel like I have little control over. I definitely think what was coming to the surface were memories of things from the past. Pains from a time long ago. Things to do with nothing on the surface but which had everything to do with all of the things that are submerged somewhere I don't often tread.

Or it could just be that I'm an asshole.

The worse thing was that the worse I felt, the worse I projected that on to her. She didn't deserve it. Not then, for sure. If I wanted to talk about things from the past, I could have talked to her about it differently.

But at that moment, a wave of SOMETHING - something that I don't always want to acknowledge - hit me like a ton of bricks.

I wasn't rational Kiran.

I wasn't rational anything.

And I was ashamed.

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I made up with my mom that day. While my parents' time with me was cut short by the fact that I had to fly out mid-day Superbowl Sunday (who effing plans a conference the day AFTER Superbowl Sunday?) I got to spend some really great quality time with them.

So how does this come back to the "Housewives"? For real?

I guess the only thing I can say is that when it comes to family - and you are outside looking in - nothing is always quite what it seems and that there are dynamics that play into so many aspects of your communication.

If you look at communication that happens within your family - sometimes the response or answer a particular question gets may seem unwarranted when you look at it with a filter on. But when you start to let the many things that really, really make us all who we are and underline our identities within our families - it starts to make sense.

Not saying I shouldn't see a counselor or anything and live more in the present - but it makes sense.

So cheers to you.

Cheers to hoping that you watch more intelligent television than me.

And cheers to hoping that you don't eff up the way I did this last weekend.

(You know this already, but I am sorry, Ma. Love you.)

Namaste,
Kiran