I really, really do.
But there are days where all the things I am caught up in - be it family drama, work pressures, the news on the television and all of the social media outlets I am behind on just distract the hell out of me.
So yeah. I love my children.
But I love them in kind of a haze. Like - I look at them and I have this feeling of "God, you are just so freaking cute! I am so blessed!" but at the same time I am thinking that, another part of me is thinking:
"Shoot, did we get the car inspected? Are we late again?"
"Did I get that deliverable out for work? Argghh!!"
"Are John and I supposed to travel at the same time next week? What are we going to do?"
"How much fat was just in that sandwich I scarfed down in less than two minutes?"
"Will my life always feel like I am in running in circles? Is this what it is?
And after all of that - there is a part of me that thinks - and yes - I am not proud - but at the deepest recesses of my mind, I think . . .
"Wow. So this is it, huh?"
And that haze takes over. Sometimes I am good at acknowledging it is there and I recognize the beauty of the words and actions of my children. And sometimes I slow down enough to really REALLY enjoy and savor that moment where none of the noise - all of that discordant bullshit - can really block me just enjoying them for everything they are.
For just that moment.
The thing is - I don't slow down enough to really enjoy or understand how lucky I am to have those moments.
And all of those moments? Well, they seem to be passing me by.
And I get caught up in all the background noise.
Tonight, as I put Shaila to bed, for just a little while, I had a moment of clarity.
I could fib and tell you that I always have clarity when I am with my children, but that would make me a liar. And I think you know where I am going with this, because you know me too well.
Tonight - just for a little while - I couldn't hear the noise.
All that stupid noise.
It hit me like a ton of bricks to the gut. Her breath against my cheek. Her eyes. Her little teeny voice that won't be a little teeny voice before I can even imagine. Her cute little laugh. Her button nose. The way she says "I love you, my mommy."
Those moments are there. Every second of every day.
Maybe I just need to open my eyes a little more before they pass me by.
And so I do not sit here looking back ten years from now, trying to asses where I was today - April 2010 - and being able to vividly recall all of the minutiae of the pressures of work - but with little to no recollection of:
Shaila's sweet little breath as she says, "I miss you, my mommy."
Nico's newfound ability to crawl backwards.
Shaila's love for all Willy Wonka candy.
The feel of their arms around my neck.
I hope they always embrace their moments and don't get caught up in the noise like their mother.
Because I don't know how and when I started thinking it was ok to let so much of my life pass me by.
Friends - I know that I have been absent in the land of blogging. I have not been writing. I have not been commenting. I have hardly been able to read any of the writing my friends have been doing out there. Forgive me.
In the midst of life - I have been trying to keep up.
Oh. And I forgot to mention . . .
To capture more of my moments.